1. Participating in seemingly never-ending email threads about getting together with our friends from camp/ junior high/ prison by adding vague comments implying a small level of commitment like, “I’m usually free, sometimes.” Eventually the thread devolves into a chorus of non-committal commitments and an actual plan never gets made. No one minds.
2. Thinking hard about whether or not to wash your hands after using the bathroom either because a) no one is there to see you do it or b) there is someone there, but you didn’t do anything that necessitated hand-washing. Like, maybe you were just reapplying deodorant or something.
3. Smelling your jeans to determine whether they’re fit for another go-around.
4. Using things in other people’s bathrooms when they invite you over for a party, like lotion or perfume or maybe even Q-tips, if you’re drunk enough.
5. Being like “LOL” when someone you hate breaks up with their partner.
6. Straight up X’ing out Facebook chats when people you don’t want to talk to try to make contact. Look, this is not what I signed up for. Facebook just decided one day to take out the middle man and turn all messages into chats. And I don’t have the brainspace for that.
7. Jamming out when “Dog Days Are Over” comes on. I DON’T CARE WHO OR WHERE YOU ARE. THAT SONG IS LIKE MAGIC.
8. Trying (and failing) to turn checking out your armpit situation into a dance move. You’re not fooling anyone.
9. Defending/ being accepting of people you don’t even like just to convince yourself that you’re not that petty. (You are, but it’s OK. You’re not alone.)
10. Eating like it’s the last supper anytime there’s free food around.
11. Knowing a little too much about a TV show/ movie and getting all defensive about it whenever someone misremembers a minute detail or misquotes a line.
12. Telling people you’re sick when you’re really just depressed/ stuck in a Netflix k-hole.
13. Leaving a roll of toilet paper on the sink instead of taking the two seconds out of your day to put it on its wheel or wherever the toilet paper in this situation goes.
14. Pretending to have finished reading a book you hated because everyone you know is obsessed with it, for some reason.
15. Feeling momentary dread whenever someone says, “Hold on, say hi to [your name here]!” and hands you the phone without any warning.
16. Having no empathy for someone who dicked you over when it seems like they’re having a rough time. Even though bad things happen to everyone and they could probably use some compassion, you’re not interested in feeling sorry for them. I mean, they’re a dick!
17. Hating actors/actresses based on one role they played, once, in like 1996. I’m sorry Sarah Michelle Gellar, I will never forgive you for what you did to Reese Witherspoon. You’re awful.
18. Dreaming about banging people you hate IRL. Get out of my dreams, enemy, let me dreamfuck someone I actually care about.
19. Wanting Christmas presents, even though you’re an atheist or just too damned old to deserve any.
20. Cutting people off in conversation when what we have something to say that is just SO. PRESSING. (Especially when you’re drinking.) (You are a saint if you never do this.)
21. Being afraid to tell someone there’s something stuck in their teeth. We should feel more guilty for letting them walk around like that for hours.