I Never Expected You To Ever Leave

Pasta from last night was ready to be warmed up and the day was starting as usual. I got out of bed and started the fire on the pan to cook lunch.

Sunday was quite planned out. Nothing out of the ordinary except a couple of tasks in my checklist that needs to be done so to prepare for the coming week ahead. And, part of it was to get some stuff that would somehow rectify the broken mannequin that I have been using for my start-up online store.

As the day progressed the set-up of the mannequin was done. Somehow the mannequin was able to stand tall again but having it quite tall made the pictures that was taken not quite in the frame.

I know for a fact that I have done this a couple of times. I have argued my lot and so did you. I don’t know if you knew that the more that an idea is pushed at me, the more annoyed I get. 

The mannequin issue was put on side bar and deeper arguments were thrown at each other. After which I saw you getting your bag and your remaining pants that made me more angry and started hitting you.

And so you left….

As I reminisce back at Sunday, I know what my mistakes were back then even before today. But I’ve got to thinking of a lot of several things that made me realize how much you have loved your wife as compared to me.

How you have given her the whole world despite of the many things that you don’t like about her.

Sad to know and much more painful to feel. You cannot read loss, only feel it. The more that I am beginning to understand that I have become an instrument, a medium in a way to set you free from the unhappiness you had way back before me.

I have to forgive you and I know each day that passes away, I have accepted that I am simply just a collateral damage. But I have to forgive myself too, which is I guess more painful.

And so today came, the day when I finally stood up and started to get rid of all your stuff to be kept where I would most likely never see it. This seems to be unreasonable for some but for me it’s the first step to fully accept that you can never have done something that you did for her, for me.

I knew that there would be days that I would feel that I am ok and moving on, but I’ve been here too many times already to know that just when you feel like you’re fine, the pain comes back. 

I don’t know if I am going to miss you or if I am missing you. I know I feel deeply now but also numb at the same time.

It’s even a surprise now that I was able to come back to writing. I’ve been trying for a couple of days but the words just doesn’t come easily. I guess the trick to writing is to be in some place where you feel calm and as for me, it is where darkness is. I’ve never liked too much sunlight anyway.

I don’t know what’s in store for me or why God has put me through with this, maybe, and hopefully he wanted me to learn a lesson once more.