I am not going to lie. There is no point in sugar coating it. My last break up fucked me up. It turned me into one of those sad-soul searching-rebounding finding-tinder swiping-girls of the Internet.
As human beings, it is natural to want our thoughts, soul, and actions to be in alignment. The problem with a breakup is that it takes everything we have become accustomed to -the security and comfort that comes with having a partner by your side-and leaves in its place confusion.
This person who once fit so perfectly into our sense of personal alignment is now a source of physical and emotional animosity.
In the early stages of the breakup we struggle with the notion of longing for someone we can no longer have. Our soul aches to reach out yet we forbid ourselves from sending that text. We crave routine and comfort yet our daily patterns have been disturbed by something that is beyond our control. We are hurt and angry yet we miss them with every being in our body. Our lives are suddenly filled of voids, as our thoughts and actions are no longer one.
My problem with going through a breakup isn’t that initial pain; it is the contradictions and misalignments that follow us for months and years to come.
It is the struggle of wanting to let go, of knowing it’s over and it’s been over, yet simultaneously hanging on to that last string of hope. It’s the frustration and shame that comes with missing someone when you know you no longer cross their mind. Sometimes, it’s as simple wanting to know how they are but knowing it may still sting to hear their name. It’s this idea that we are supposed to wish them the best even though we are secretly hoping they feel the burden of this pain as well. Yeah you want them to do well, but maybe not better than you.
It is the slow realization that despite the pain you have felt, there is something uniquely beautiful about learning to stand on your own to feet. Yes, you miss them but you love seeing the self-growth that has followed in the aftermath of their leaving. It is the notion that despite how far you have come, you still have so far to go.
For me though, and I’m sure for at least one other sad girl out there searching for understanding amongst strangers on the internet, the hardest inconsistency comes from wanting to move on from something you build to last. It is wanting to be alone because you hate idea of giving someone the power to make you feel like this, while also craving that attention and validation that comes from having a partner by your side.
It is taking the time to go and search for that newfound mindfulness while also wishing you had someone by your side to enjoy these new adventures with.
It is wanting nobody while simultaneously wanting anybody to connect with your soul the way they once did. It is both the fear of loneliness and the craving of solitude.