February 14, 2014

Don’t Date A Girl Who Does Comedy

She’s the one with the greasy hair unkempt from lack of showering. Her skin is now far from smooth like it once was. She looks like a middle aged teenager. But for every flaw on her skin, she has a joke about it.

Don’t date a girl who does comedy. She is hard to please. The usual date at a fast food establishment will have her contemplating all of her life choices. Her soul is broken. She won’t listen to you when you talk about your stupid car and your watch that you paid way too much for. She would rather sit through 6 hours of open mics or jump out of an airplane in an improv scene than hear you talk about anything except how funny she is.

Don’t date a girl who does comedy because she will bug you to book a flight every time she is booked on a festival. She won’t party because she has social anxiety disorder. And she will never pay over $25 for anything because she doesn’t have any money.

Chances are, she is a freelance dog walker. Or she probably hates her office job. She doesn’t want to keep working at all when she could be having fun instead. She makes money from sponsored articles (lists), twitter, the occasional acting gig or something equally unfulfilling. Don’t waste her time telling her she should go to grad school.

Don’t date a girl who does comedy. She has a degree in creative writing. She has not filed her taxes in three years. She doesn’t even have a real bank account. But she does work like a robot all day, and she eats lots of pizza.

Don’t date a girl who does comedy for she has chosen a life of disappointment. She has roommates who barely tolerate her. She talks about them on stage. She dances terribly when she is drunk. She doesn’t believe in the concept of time. Her days are ruled by jealousy of the success of her peers. When the audition showcases are calling, life stops and she will not answer her phone when you call her. But she has learned that the most important thing in life isn’t the dick.

Don’t date a girl who does comedy because she’ll try out new jokes on you after sex. Your parents and friends will find her to be really generally very rude. She knows respect, but she really likes saying ‘fuck’ in front of your parents so she says it anyways.

She will be very clingy. She thinks she knows how to be helpful but she doesn’t. She knows her way around a microwave. She is codependent and will text you every five seconds if another girl tags you in a photo with her on facebook. She will always remember that one time you said she had a saggy face. She’s always busy checking her phone. She unintentionally embarrasses you in front of strangers. She will meet many struggling open mic comedians from around the world who share her passion and dreams. She will be bored with you and your face.

So never date a girl who does comedy unless you really like to laugh. And if you unintentionally fall in love with one, don’t break up with her ever because she will work the break-up into her new routine. TC mark