Moments In The Grand Scheme of Life

I believe in life there are defining moments that we will remember. Moments in which time stands still for just a second, and we know we will be play that moment in our head hundreds of times over later. One of those moments happened to me when I least expected it recently. I had just moved home a couple months previously. I was in the spring semester of my third year of college and feeling more than a little lost. My intentions for moving back were to try to get a better grasp on my life, and for a motive any college student will be familiar with: to cut cost. Honestly when I had decided to move back I was reeling from the breakup of a two-year relationship that left me feeling unsure of everything. I wasn’t exactly living the fantastic and productive way I thought I would be by the time I was an adult nor was I who I wanted to be. Instead I was attending the local community college, living at my parent’s house, and hanging out with the same friends that I had made from high school. That was what brought me to that party on a Saturday night. It was the usual crowd of people gathering at a close friend’s house for as they always described “alcohol and bad decisions”. I went over with an old friend, when we arrived several people were already playing beer pong. A few rounds in I joined in with the friend who I came to the party with.

I was standing behind the beer pong table drinking a beer when the door opened. I had heard that she might be there from chatter around the room so I was already slightly on edge but I had no idea how seeing her again after about three years would hit me that hard. She stepped through the door with her friends and when I glanced over at her in a split second I was seventeen again. I stood frozen to my spot as feelings came rushing back from a long time ago and I couldn’t believe how she was somehow more beautiful than before. I was thankful that I was standing on the far side of the table, as it gave me a moment to try to regain my composure and take a large sip of beer. Everyone exchanged pleasantries and the game continued. After my round was over I found a spot to sit next to her on the bed where several other people were gathered around. We talked about what we had been doing these days. She asked why I was even back in our town. People talked, played beer pong, and the more time passed the more drinks I and everyone else had. I hadn’t intended to drink that night at all because I was supposed to drive to the airport later in the night. I rearranged my plans, as things became fuzzier several beers in for me and I didn’t want to leave yet. Somehow my friend and I ended up playing her and her friend at beer pong in a round. I couldn’t hit a single cup, as this was the point where she had either warmed up to me or had a couple drinks, and was being very flirty. She kept referencing our shared past and touching me, which made me blush slightly in front of everyone. Her mention of the past took me back to all our history basically consisted of, a brief but amazing kiss shared in my bedroom when we were still in high school. Our history also consisted of a far messier confession of feelings when I was entirely too high on prescription pills. In that instance I let myself remember the two parts that were the most defining.

For some reason from the first moment that I finally really noticed her in our small high school things changed. Yes, sexuality is fluid I entirely understand that. Can ONE person really change what you feel and thought you knew about yourself though? In my case apparently yes. I had lots of boyfriends in high school and through college. I was and still am attracted to men. However for some reason I fell for a girl when I was seventeen that I barely knew. Men to me have always been easy to attract and date there isn’t anything that challenging about them. She on the other hand was difficult, and unlike anyone I had ever known but so interesting to me. I was in uncharted territory and had no idea how to get her attention or her affection that I desperately desired. It didn’t help matters that I liked to do drugs at the time. When I first noticed her coincided with bad timing, she had just gotten out of a relationship but it was because of someone else being involved that she had strong feelings for. I didn’t fit into her picture at all. So all I ended up with back then was a broken heart and stinging rejection. I moved on from her. We graduated from high school and I relocated 300 miles away to start attending college. I only had relations with men from there on. I even had thought I fell in love with one at some point. I had made steady progression through school and formed a life for myself. Every once in a while I’d hit her up or her I and there would be small talk about how things were going for each of us. I convinced myself that I couldn’t let myself care too much about her again though.

I never would have guessed the same girl showing up at a party would unhinge my grasp on life again years after high school. That night we flirted, laughed and talked. The further the night progressed the more my memory is hazy of what happened, mostly due to the southern comfort bottle we were both sipping out of and various other shots. I’m not sure if I kissed her first or she kissed me. My inhibitions had been lowered such to the point that I couldn’t even really feel the extremities of my body. All I knew was that her kiss had felt so incredibly overdue and yet right all at the same time. I believe more kisses were shared that I can’t remember and touches. I distinctively remember her hands on my stomach underneath my shirt, because it was the most exhilarating feeling I had felt in a long time. Around us the party was still progressing and occasionally our friends would boo or cheer in our direction. I remember thinking that I wanted to be alone with her. One particular conversation held the most importance that night. She had been over talking to someone else for a while then walked back over to me. She began describing how one of my close friends had told her how I still had feelings for her that I never really got over from high school. She asked me why I never said, “hey I’ve been thinking about you” or anything else. I murmured something along the lines of I didn’t know how… What I couldn’t find the words to say however were to explain how we were both always with other people, I was scared, and I didn’t know if I could go through another heartbreak with her. The night eventually ended and I had to get my far drunken than me friend home safely. I held her close before I left and told her I’d see her sometime, but I knew it might not be the same again. It wasn’t the same the next time I saw her and I was back to where I was in high school again, pining over someone that I was unexplainably drawn to.

There was something there between us but I wasn’t sure exactly what it was, just strong attraction possibly? I knew she had feelings for someone else, because she had told me that. Her feelings for me were never stated, so I assume there were none. However even if she did harbor any actual feelings for me it was blatantly obvious I cared more for her just like before. There was also the issue of her moving away come fall to a different state anyway. Just like in high school, one person has made me question who I truly am regarding my sexuality and what I feel turning my life upside down. Since that night I’ve thought to myself repeatedly the only conclusion that I’ve made when it comes to her and the situation I’m in: “I wish you actually knew me and I knew you, because I think you’d really like me and I’d like you too. Then what I’m feeling wouldn’t just be this illusion.”