Thought Catalog
September 30, 2014

21 Tragic Signs Your Boyfriend Is Basic As F*ck

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What is the issue?

1. He mansplains sports to you, even if you are a sports fan, and even if the two of you frequently watch games together. He finds a way to be condescending about a bunch of millionaire strangers running into each other wearing brightly colored tee shirts.

2. He will text you like crazy but does not know that his phone has a phone app until he is wasted.

3. He likes his gelled-out side part with a healthy dose of white dude fading on the sides. (Or totally shaved, if he is going for the Macklemore/Roger Klotz look.)

4. He wears the blue gingham shirt. (Bonus points if, despite wearing literally the same shirt as every other man in his age bracket, he still finds the time to make fun of women for following silly fashion trends.)

5. If he is an Alternative Basic, he has an annual two-month period that transitions from “pre-Burning Man status updates” to “back from Burning Man profile picture” then finally “300-deep photo dump of all the crazy hijinx I got into at Burning Man this year.”

6. While he would secretly appreciate a good fruity drink every now and again, he has too much ~*~masculine energy~*~ to ever be seen with a daiquiri.

7. He also takes more than occasional pleasure in “playfully” mocking girls for their fruity drink choices, and for not being able to truly appreciate a good glass of scotch like he does.

8. He a) works for a startup, and b) is super vague about what that actually entails. (This could either be because he thinks the plebe can’t possibly understand the nuances of his tech gig, or because it’s not an actual job.)

9. Actually, his job description in general is supiciously (and smugly) vague, regardless of industry. If he can’t distill it into a few words because it’s too #nuanced, he’s basic.

10. He is both liberal in his use of cologne, and not super discerning about the brand itself.

11. Showing you his music is not just a cut-and-dry process of “Hey, here’s this song/band I really enjoy, why don’t you check it out so you can enjoy it, too?” It’s a process where you have to be still and silent for an extended period of time so that you can make sure to absorb it in just the right conditions, then answer a thirty-question pop quiz at the end. You have to get it. Do you get it?

12. He makes fun of the music you like for being “shallow.”

13. He is still kind of a pretentious asshole about what college he/you/randos went to, even five years after graduation.

14. He abuses hashtags, particularly when they have to do with his profession or hobbies. He is not above putting #photography, #photo, and #photographer all on one photo of a latte.

15. He drove a luxury vehicle in high school or college. (Those guys are kind of a genre all their own, but they still fit under the basic umbrella.)

16. On some level, you recognize that if he were a woman, he would never have been able to get the job he has. He just kind of bro’d his way into it, and perhaps one day will bro his way out.

17. He has a cleaning lady because he cannot be bothered to Swiffer himself.

18. On that note, he cannot be bothered to stock his kitchen with anything other than expired takeout, beer, and ketchup packets. He is too busy focusing on other things and #maximizing his #time to have a functioning kitchen.

19. Chances are high that he has deleted/deactivated his Facebook at some point, but he had to make a huge deal about it, so that everyone knew he was going on his Technology Cleanse and Returning To His Roots.

20. He casually refers to his “crazy exes” in a way that makes you wonder if it was something about him that turned them “crazy.”

21. In high school, he wore a Livestrong bracelet, and he will kind of always have a Livestrong Bracelet Personality. If only just a little bit. TC mark

image – YouTube