25 Things You Catch Yourself Saying Seriously When You Start Your Career

1. “Oh, I would love to go, but I really want to get some sleep tonight so I can get up early tomorrow.”

2. “I made the greatest work playlist, want me to send it to you?”

3. “I could really use an intern [to help me do all of this work that I am absolutely capable of doing myself, but which I am just lazy about].”

4. “When are you going out with him? Have you looked at his LinkedIn? What’s his name, I’ll look him up.”

5. “Oh, no, his profile isn’t even filled out. He has like two connections, and I think they’re family members.”

6. “I’m thinking of getting one of those exercise balls you sit on. Are those expensive?”

7. “Look at this email, look at it. This is unbelievable.” (No professional email in the history of the internet has been “unbelievable.” But “unbelievable” has become a slang term for “mildly irritating or inappropriate” in the working world.)

8. “I have to check my calendar, but that should be doable.”

9. [At 11 PM on a Tuesday] “Just catching up on some work stuff right now, what are you doing?”

10. “I need eight solid hours or I am just not functional at work. No one messes with my eight hours.”

11. “Let’s touch base about this on Thursday.” (Saying “touch base” is probably the low point in anyone’s young adult life. It marks a transition into crustiness that no one should be making.)

12. “I feel like I really understand The Office now. The managerial dynamics are actually scarily accurate.”

13. [Tweets sad picture of lunch at your desk] “#OnMyGrind #Chopt”

14. “I’m just at a place where I really need to be focusing on my career.”

15. [Gchat goes down for 10 minutes] “This is not fucking acceptable. What is going on.” [Aggressively tweets at the Google Chat Twitter account]

16. “I’m so jealous of your office. There’s, like, eight Chipotles in your neighborhood.”

17. “Could I buy you a coffee sometime? I would love to pick your brain.”

18. “I think I’m finally ready to get a dog. This feels like the right time.”

19. “She has my dream job. I’ve been trying to get her to follow me back on Twitter for like six months.”

20. “I really need to go blazer shopping.”

21. [Has four tabs of online shopping open] “I can’t even talk right now, I have so much to do today.”

22. “Once you get over the time change, it’s honestly so much easier to just wake up early and go to the gym BEFORE work.”

23. “So I was watching CNN on the treadmill today, and…”

24. “I know there’s coffee in the kitchen, but I really just need to stretch my legs.”

25. “I need a glass of wine. I don’t even care, I earned it.”