March 19, 2014

21 Compelling Reasons Why Florida Should Be Kicked Out Of The United States

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What is the issue?
Let me just start this by saying that I was born in Florida, lived there for a while, and have/visit many a family member there. Losing Florida will be an emotional hit for me as well. But it’s high time we just took that table saw of democracy and severed Florida off to float in the Atlantic. Here is why.

1. Celebration is real, and exists, and people choose to live there.

2. We often think of “scary rednecks” as being entirely from states like Arkansas or Texas, but forget the most horrifying redneck of all: The Northern Florida redneck. That part of the state is like The Walking Dead, depending on where you go, and we need to stop associating the diverse, arguably cosmopolitan bits of South Florida with the terrors of the panhandle.

3. I don’t need to go into detail, because we all know what I’m talking about, but some of the laws they have on the books there with regards to gun control are like some medieval, act-of-God-through-the-end-of-my-weapon shit. The fact that making someone in Florida uncomfortable reasonably ends in “being shot in the face in a totally legal way” is just unacceptable.

4. They are setting a standard of tanning that seems to have peaked and continued unchanged since the mid-1980s.

5. We associate Florida with cocaine, and there is definitely a significant amount of it, but we needn’t discount the copious amount of meth to be found there.

6. The kinds of spring breaks that occur on the northeastern beaches of Florida are a level of debaucherous that can no longer be considered fun. I once spent a spring break in Miami, and it was basically a debutante ball in comparison. Northern Florida spring break is where dreams go to die and girls’ lives go to get ruined by Joe Francis.

7. Pitbull.

8. Flo Rida.

9. The fact that Flo Rida is named Flo Rida. (Side note: This feels like a good opportunity to announce my new rap career, you may henceforth refer to me as Mary Land. …Actually, that’s not horrible when you write it out.)

10. Too many of us have made poor decisions in Florida that we can’t fully process, and we must cauterize that wound by getting ride of the scene of the crime altogether.

11. We have let off the fact that Florida stole the country from Al Gore and put their governor’s brother in the White House pretty easily, but we haven’t forgotten about it. We still have to enact our vengeance on those unbelievable political shenanigans.

12. While we’re on the subject, Jeb calling that election for his brother was the national equivalent of the pretty girl in the Yearbook Club giving all the superlatives like “Best Smile” or “Most Popular” to her friends. Which is just an unacceptable attitude for an entire state to have.

13. The weather is just unacceptable. Unless you are an old person going there because you essentially need to be inside a humidifier at all times, which is understandable, it’s just not a climate you should be choosing. I’m not saying you need to move to somewhere with constant polar vortexes, either, but there is no reason your only season should be “toasty gym sock.”

14. Their claim to fame is orange juice, but as we have all recently learned, orange juice is a lie and a government conspiracy.

15. Palm Beach (my town of birth, for full disclosure) has an aesthetic, and it is Lilly Pulitzer. I used to think Lilly was chic and cool, but it is merely the brand that embroiders lobsters onto otherwise-wearable skirts, charges 300 dollars for a cotton strapless shift dress, and encourages three generations of women to wear THE SAME OUTFIT WHILE TOGETHER IN PUBLIC. We cannot abide Palm Beach style.

16. “Florida Man” is the world’s worst superhero, notable for having sex with neighbors’ dogs and hiding enormous balloons full of drugs in his rectum and promptly forgetting about them.

17. It contains the University of Miami, which is just too aesthetically pleasing and luxurious to count as a real college. It’s a resort and spa with a couple of books in some of the buildings. (Shout out to my cousin who went there, I hate you!)

18. I enjoy terrible club music as much as anyone, but there is a special brand of terrible club music that lives and prospers in South Florida, and it is unbearable. It’s where eurotrash house, reggaeton, and David Guetta meet. And everyone loses.

19. We all hate on LA for the superficiality and one-upmanship of its wealth, but there are parts of Miami that are just insane. It’s where yachts, mansions, and women with flawless bronzed asses and bandage dresses are the only acceptable form of currency.

20. It’s technically illegal to live as an unmarried couple in Florida, which is like, lol, ok St Petersburg. Whatever you have to tell yourself.

21. There are a lot of wonderful things in and about Florida, but we all have to be honest with ourselves and admit that they come with a fair amount of collateral damage. And Florida should be the Corsica of America, the highly nationalist island that we can all go visit and enjoy, but with a touch of fear about all of the guns and deadly wildlife and extreme politics. Our grandparents can all still live there, and they can wear as much fluorescent green as their hearts desire. TC mark

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