1. A pair of jeans that fit you correctly in all the right places, lift the cheeks, and don’t stretch out into sad puffiness within two hours of wearing them.
2. A pair of boots that keep your feet warm and comfortable in the winter without giving you the upside-down corn dog look of Uggs.
3. Your signature scent. (But let’s be clear, perfume is expensive as hell, and no one should be expected to pay for that shit. Get your perfume sample game to the level where you are going six months deep on samples from ONE Sephora. I smell like Flowerbomb for zero dollars, AND I can carry it in my makeup bag with ease.)
4. A favorite book that you can always grab and re-read an excerpt from while curled up in bed. (Mine is Neither Here Nor There by Bill Bryson, for all zero of you who asked.)
5. At least one Lelo. (AKA Mister Steal Your Girl, AKA The Punisher.)
6. At least one or two tampons/pads, because a) you never know when you will be reminded of the circle of life on a dinner date and b) when a random woman asks you for one in the public bathroom, with that real look of “Please, stranger, I need your help,” you should be prepared.
7. A trench coat that both looks British-detective swaggy and keeps your shoulders bone-dry.
8. The friend who is going to tell you when you’re being completely unreasonable and terrible, and even take the phone out of your hands if necessary. (Real friends recognize when you’re in a sad text-spiral and shame you right the hell out of it.)
9. Ballet flats that support both your feet and your sense of style.
10. At least one completely insane accessory that you absolutely love and treasure, no matter how ridiculous it is in reality. My giant, bedazzled elephant brooch is something that the haters can pry from my cold, dead hands.
11. A playlist for when you are really sad, but want to get even sadder. (Note: if this doesn’t contain Jeff Buckley’s “Hallelujah,” to which you sob openly, it is not complete.)
12. The friend who encourages you to have those “fuck it” nights where you accept the fact that you will be the girls shaking in bandage dresses in front of the club. Becca always knows the right words to get you swigging out of a Deer Park bottle filled with vodka cran again.
13. A signature drink, for which you always have the ingredients on-hand. (Stoli Bluberri and soda with a twist of lime, AKA The Fire That Prometheus Gave To Mortals.)
14. Access to a bath every once in a while, even if you need to make the pilgrimage back to your parents’ house every trimester to make use of those Lush bath bombs.
15. Some Lush bath bombs.
16. A blazer for all occasions, the kind that both fits in a casually tailored way and looks neither overly-dressy nor inappropriately casual. Preferably in navy blue, but camel is also a very real blazer color.
17. Intimate knowledge of when your favorite stores have their good sales (like JCrew’s 40 percent off the sale price, which I would more or less Black Friday-trample people for).
18. Workout clothes that don’t make you feel like Kenny Powers.
19. A BRA THAT ACTUALLY FITS YOU, AND IT’S PROBABLY NOT THE SIZE YOU THOUGHT IT WAS. THIS IS IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE IT’S REALLY IMPORTANT. *FLAILS WILDLY*
20. A pillowcase that doesn’t irritate your face, because the one place we should be investing in terms of linens is where it is constantly grinding up against our facial skin.
21. Decent moisturizer for your hands, because if the hands are chapped, the booty’s not getting slapped. (I apologize for this, I have no way to make this fun or sexy, please moisturize your hands. Dry winter hands is a real thing and the great equalizer.)
22. At least one place where you can park your car in peace and just cry for a while.
23. A place where you have always dreamed of going, that gives whatever you’re working towards a tangible, real goal — of course, feel free to pin as many pictures/postcards of this place all around your workspace.
24. The perfect pair of black pumps.
25. A go-to hairstyle that requires minimal effort and yet doesn’t look like you’re 10 minutes out of bed from a hangover.
26. The playlist of songs that you always must listen to on “private session,” because some pleasures are too sweet/humiliating to be shared.
27. A group of girlfriends, because any girl who is “not like other girls” or “only has guy friends” because “girls are catty” is seriously missing out on some of the most beautiful friendships life has to offer.