October 10, 2013

8 Signs You Are A Disney Villain, And Not A Princess

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What is the issue?

1. You’re not insanely good-looking.

I mean, you’re all right. You might have some high cheekbones, or a symmetrical nose, or big eyes — but you’re not Princess hot. You don’t have the kind of looks that allow you to float through life on a cloud of cutting in line, harmonizing with forest creatures, and impressing in-laws just by looking over your shoulder at them. While this can occasionally be a crushing blow to your ego — such as when you’re in a dressing room and suddenly realize that this club dress/ball gown doesn’t look good on you — you’ve mostly adapted to the realities of your appearance and decided that you’re going to have to make it on your personality/cunning/entrepreneurial spirit.

2. People don’t magically fall in love with you wherever you go.

For some reason, when you walk through your provincial town to attend to your daily errands, your neighbors don’t burst into song about the strange effect your hotness/quirks have on their hearts/genitals. Because of this, all of your relationships have been the result of hard work and a slow convincing process where you chip away at your date’s morale until they begin to see you for who you really are. You have also been known to get slightly jealous of the girls who are capable of putting nearly any Prince under their charms — even when they have lost the ability to speak, like, what?!?! COME ON — but you are often able to trick them into signing ill-conceived contracts, so it’s all good, really.

3. You get irrationally bitter over petty things.

Let’s be honest, you’ve been known to hold a grudge. Your friend who bailed on your birthday party, your sister who ruined your favorite shirt, the hot gypsy girl who totally won’t even have sex with you no matter how powerfully gaunt you are — it’s all so trying. And yes, you occasionally overreact and commit mass murders or whatever, but it’s not like you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. Your heart is in the right place, you just don’t know how to control your bubbling sense of vengeance.

4. Your sense of humor is generally very dark/bleak.

You’re not always overcome with the uncontrollable giggles, but when you are, it’s usually at inconvenient things happening to beautiful people. Your taste has a name, and it is Extremely Dry Schadenfreude. Also, your inner monologue is voiced by a zesty James Woods.

5. Only ugly/misfit animals like you.

Whether it’s a mangy pack of hyenas, malicious saltwater eels, or a 90s stand-up comic parrot, your activities are made all the more efficient when you have your deformed animal henchman doing roughly 50 percent of your bidding. You can just feel it in your bones, when you take a trip down to the ASPCA and are immediately drawn to the flea-ridden cat that’s missing one eye and has a deep mistrust of human beings. Your soul understands that that cat is you, and you are that cat. All you want is to give it a disinfectant bath and let it ride around on your shoulders while you scoot about your apartment.

6. Getting shit done by any means necessary is your priority.

One thing that everyone has to give you, even if they don’t like you, is that you are always going to make the most of your situation. Some might judge you for your choice to exploit your magical powers, or stab a coworker in the back to make it up the corporate ladder/become kind of Pride Rock, but they are simply not respecting your hustle. The thing is, though, when you are not blessed by the Fairy Tale Gods with a hip-to-waist ratio that brings the entire kingdom to its knees, you have to accomplish the same goals with more shady methods. You’re like the used car salesman of the Enchanted Forest, maybe intentionally selling someone a lemon every so often, but doing what you have to in order to stay ahead.

7. Townspeople are afraid of you.

People see you emerging from your apartment/lair on a Sunday morning, deathly hungover and clad in your best men’s sweatpants/floor-length black cloak, and they know to step aside. You are not here to make friends, you are not here to recruit livestock to help you with your chores, you are just here to get yourself a chocolate milk at the corner store and throw cutting glances at people as you go. The townspeople have long learned to avoid you, lest they be hit with 1,000 watts of Pure Bitchface to the dome.

8. You’re not waiting for a Prince to come and save you.

You might go out on the occasional OKCupid date/entrap a man into marrying you by disguising yourself as an incredibly hot brunette, but you are not expecting any Prince to give you the happy ending you deserve. Your victory in life will be hard-won and will come from long hours put in at the office/elephant graveyard, where all of your good ideas are put to real use. Having a mantreat on your flawlessly evil arm might be a nice addition to your life plan, but it is by no means the denouement of your story. You are here to that promotion/magic lamp/place atop Mount Olympus, and you are more than capable of doing the heavy lifting yourself. TC mark

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