1. The “One Eyebrow Fits All”
Whether it’s the ultra-thin brows that leads every girl to pluck in places that should never have been plucked, or the Cara Delevigne-thick forehead slabs that cause every wispy-browed girl to desperately fill in her hairs to achieve some semblance of fullness, it’s always an uphill battle. And just because the slim or heavy brows are in fashion, there is no reason to abandon all structural integrity to achieve the look of the moment. Because the real eyebrow look we should all be going for is the one that our face shapes were meant to accommodate, and if that means accepting your baby brow hairs are never going to get the perfectly trendy look, that’s just part of the deal. Accept and love your arch, for you will always have to live with it.
2. The “Skinny Jeans For Everyone”
I am not out here to shame any bodies or say that there are certain types of people who can’t wear certain types of clothes, but I am here to say that, regardless of what cuts of clothing are popular, we owe it to ourselves to accept that not everything was made for us individually.
Case in point: I have a body shape with a hip/butt area that is drastically larger than my thighs, and calves which taper down the rest of the leg length. This essentially means that when I put a pair of skinny jeans with some ballet flats, I look, from the waist-down, like an heirloom tomato with two toothpicks stuck in the bottom that somehow became sentient and started walking around. When paired with boots, or certain shirts, it can be cute. But generally slightly flared jeans, which serve to balance out my upper-leg half, are more where it’s at if I’m wanting to look human this morning. And though I am starting to be able to find different cuts in stores where there was once only skinny, slim, and “vagina-crushing” fits, it is important to note that trends are nothing in the face of what actually looks good.
3. The “Smokey Eyes For Beginners”
Smokey eyes are a privilege. Aside from the fact that some eyes (*hem hem, points to self*) are small enough already to end up looking like a particularly mangy raccoon if surrounded by blurry black eyeliner, it is a look that is a delicate one to execute. If you are not well-versed in the art form that is a good smokey eye, it is best left to the professional. Because there is nothing worse than walking up to the club with that freshly-punched look, only to have various charcoal-esque substances dribble down your face as you start to sweat on the dance floor. Respect the eye makeup, and it will respect you.
4. The “Contour The Hell Out Of Your Natural Features”
I’ll be honest, I’m not even really sure what contouring is actually supposed to be. I know that celebrities get special makeup on them before they walk down the red carpet or go on camera so as not to look so, I don’t know, nosey? when the lights are on them. But in practice, it’s hard to imagine anyone caking on a lighter shade around the sides of the cheeks or the bridge of the nose and everyone magically being fooled into thinking you look like a completely different person. In fact, it seems like the only real look that would be achieved would be the one where people silently ask themselves “Why is she wearing ‘deep beige’ on her cheeks and ‘snowy bone’ on her forehead? She looks like a coloring book.”
5. The “Imitate This Impossible YouTube Tutorial”
I want everyone to enjoy this video, and then imagine me, crying in my bathroom mirror as half of my hair is slipping unceremoniously out of an elastic band and the other half is ratted into oblivion from me trying to hold onto it while I pick up a new piece. This is my fate, my destiny, my punishment for the sins of humanity. If you are capable of following these types of videos to the letter and coming out with the same result in a similar time frame, I would like you to promptly sing into a shell so that I can absorb your powers for future use. And for the record, there should be a disclaimer put onto the beginning of all YouTube beauty tutorials which reads:
The implied step 1 of this and all beauty tutorials is that you start with hair, skin, nails, facial features, and bone structure that is equally or more beautiful than our own. Because unless you look like the flawless 19-year-old teaching you how to do a purple smokey eye for a theme party from the comfort of her inexplicably well-decorated bedroom, you are just going to come out looking like a slightly more acne-prone version of Grimace from the Happy Meal box.
I think, if they would do us that courtesy, we would all be much happier for it.