May 17, 2013

7 Stupid Things People Will Say To You When You’re Unemployed

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1. “Have you been applying to a lot of different places?”

“No, I’ve mostly been looking at one place that I really want to work at and getting progressively more aggressive in my attention-getting tactics. It feels like kind of a waste of time sending all those cover letters out to so many different people when I only really want the one, so I’ve started writing ‘Hire Me’ in my own blood on bricks and throwing them through the windows during business hours. If that doesn’t work, I think I’m going to take one of the boss’ children hostage, but that’s a real logistic nightmare, so I’m holding off as long as possible.”

2. “Are you following up on your applications?”

“Yes, it’s been really efficient, actually. When you don’t hear back from some mysterious email address you found on Craigslist at three in the morning after five hours of tearful searching, you know that all they are really waiting on is an incoherent, whiskey-fueled email asking about why they haven’t responded to you which radiates ‘desperation’ from every letter. That’s what really lights the fire under their ass. And since I have gotten all of one response out of nearly 80 applications sent, I have a lot of follow-up emailing to work on when I get home.”

3. “Well, you’re just overqualified.”

“Yes, that really takes the sting out of all of this. All of that preparation and debt and skill-building I was tricked into taking on has rendered me too pricy a date for all the potential suitors down at the Starbucks ‘balls-early-in-the-morning shift.’ At least I have that to cling to.”

4. “Are you coming to the club with us tonight?”

“Of course! I wouldn’t miss it for the world, what with all of those overpriced drinks and insulting cover charges and pressure to stay out long enough that I am forced to take a cab home. Why, it’ll be almost as fun as the time you invited me out to dinner two days ago and I had to say no and come up with yet another, more palatable excuse to replace ‘I have no fucking money, stop inviting me to expensive shit, you unsympathetic fucknugget.’ I just can’t get enough of all these social outings!”

5. “Why don’t you just take an internship?”

“You are so right! What am I doing, wasting all this time looking for a paycheck that will allow me to eat and maybe start chipping away at my incredibly intimidating and precarious financial future? I should be throwing away 30 hours a week on glorified indentured servitude which repays me with the occasional lunchtime sandwich and the fleeting promise of a stable job that will never actually be lived up to. There’s no reason not to be putting yet another example on my resume of the fact that I am more than willing to be exploited and can’t command any actual compensation! After all, my parents have nothing better to do with their already-ravaged retirement fund than pay for an apartment in the city for me to dick around in. It’s perfect!”

6. “Time to do all the fun stuff you want while you have the time!”

“Why did I never think of that? You’ll excuse me, I have to run home and book my flight to Italy tonight! I mean, what better time is there than the time when I’m constantly afraid that I’ll run out of gas because I pay for my fill-ups in nickels to start checking some shit off my bucket list? What could possibly be more fun than using all this undesired vacation time to panhandle my extended family members just enough to start treating myself to some awesome things? Every minute I spend looking for a job is a slap in the face to my hopes and dreams, it’s time to start backpacking across Asia. I’ll sell one of my lesser-used internal organs to fund my transportation.

7. “Don’t work [insert job here], it’s beneath you.”

“You know what’s not beneath me? Eating. That shit is right on my level, and I am looking forward to it.” TC mark