19 Ways We Make Our Own Lives Harder
By Thoughtis
1. Putting our alarm clocks/phones within close enough reach that we can hit the snooze button seven times without ever actually realizing we’ve woken up (until the chorus of “Fuck! Fuck! I’m so late!” as you brush your teeth in the shower).
2. Waiting until the very last minute to do errands that take literally 30 minutes to accomplish. There are few worse feelings than having less than ten minutes to buy stamps, get to the post office before it closes, and mail a letter, and no one should have to live it.
3. Not responding to the messages of people who we know are just going to keep texting you until you finally decide to look at your phone — which then necessitates the explanation as to why it took you six hours to respond to “What are you up to tonight?”
4. Putting off doctor’s visits, even when we actually have the insurance coverage to make it happen (because God knows that shit is a golden goose that we need to make lay eggs while it can).
5. Refusing to add important people’s birthdays to the calendar so as to avoid having to buy something in the checkout line at the supermarket on the way home and make it look like an actual gift.
6. Lying about things which require no lying whatsoever.
7. Keeping really terrible foods in our cabinets, even though we absolutely know that that tub of Nutella and/or family size bag of jalapeño Chex Mix is going to get eviscerated the second we come home drunk.
8. Going out on the town with a credit card on hand instead of just taking out a designated amount of money and leaving all other access points to our savings account in some kind of safety deposit box at the apartment.
9. Attempting to set up two people who seem like they would be really good together, even though it now makes it our fault if things don’t work out (and they never do).
10. Not doing the right thing and shutting off our wifi connection while trying to actually get work/writing accomplished.
11. Agreeing to ever even set foot in a god damned McDonald’s.
12. Reaching the regrettable phase of drunkenness in which the human body actively rejects all liquids which are not liquor, therefore ensuring that we will pass out about two sips into the liter of water we were trying to drink before passing out.
13. Not turning off the anonymous browsing feature on OkCupid, which enables you to creep the guy you are obsessed with after a single date without him ever having to know.
14. Forgetting to stop the music on the laptop before taking out the headphones in the coffee shop and enabling all the other patrons to share your love for Tech N9ne songs on full volume.
15. Not immediately getting a roll of replacement toilet paper when we realize we are running out, which inevitably leads to the world’s most unfortunate bathroom experience the next time.
16. Not hiding all of the good alcohol that we would ideally like to preserve before having people over (especially people bringing sketchball randos along) for a party.
17. Being too lazy to take the five minutes to make all our social media private/unavailable/limited to all the authority figures in our lives who do not need to be seeing photographic evidence of the time we initiated body shots on the bar in vegas like some horrible audition for The Real World-circa 1999.
18. Maintaining contact with an ex right after the breakup in the interest of “being friends (even though it’s clearly prime-“Maybe we’ll just have sex one last time”-time).”
19. Agreeing to go out with friends for “one drink” at happy hour even though we have to be up at six in the morning and absolutely know that this friend is the one who usually makes you end up with a chipped tooth and/or a citation for public indecency.