April 10, 2013

7 Early 2000s Hotties Who Need To Make A Comeback

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What is the issue?

1. Jesse Bradford

Helga Esteb / Shutterstock.com
Helga Esteb / Shutterstock.com

What happened to Jesse Bradford? WHAT HAPPENED TO JESSE BRADFORD? There was a two-ish year period around 2000 or so where he was literally the only living organism on this planet that mattered, and his 5 o’clock shadow/boyish dimples were insured for upwards of a billion dollars. America initially abandoned the gold standard to measure our currency against his molten hotness in Swimfan. At the time, none of us could have imagined a world in which his just-bashful-enough-to-imagine-we-could-get-it-even-though-we-knew-we-stood-no-chance hotness was absent, and yet here we are. This is nothing short of a crime against humanity, and we need to bring him back. Particularly whilst wearing his adorapunk ensembles and playing guitar à la Bring It On.

2. Rose McGowan

Featureflash / Shutterstock.com
Featureflash / Shutterstock.com

Please don’t Google any pictures of Rose McGowan after about 2006. It’s a tragedy which, if you have not already been introduced to it, does not need to be a part of your life. Just trust me that she was clearly told by some horrifying casting director that her non-existent crow’s feet were starting to show up on camera, and she dove headfirst into a bottomless pit of plastic surgery. The point is that we need the old Rose back, the one that was terrifyingly sexy in Jawbreaker and whose hobbies included showing up buck-ass naked on red carpets with Marilyn Manson, draped only in some sparkly dental floss. We need her.

3. Freddie Prinze Jr

Featureflash / Shutterstock.com
Featureflash / Shutterstock.com

I think that Freddie actually reached a level of hotness during the late 90s/early 2000s where he ceased to function as a human being. Like, at a certain point, enough crying girls screamed his name in unison while licking a poster they ripped out of a Teen Beat to negate his very existence. There can be no other explanation for his sudden, unexpected disappearance. I hope he and SMG are off on a farm somewhere milking cows and making jams and living out their hotness in peace. (No babies, though, because they would be too good-looking to enter normal society.)

4. Mena Suvari

Featureflash / Shutterstock.com
Featureflash / Shutterstock.com

One minute, everyone was crysturbating over the fact that they would never get to date that beautiful, amazing girl from American Beauty and/or Loser, the next minute, she was gone. Did Jason Biggs eat her? Did Kevin Spacey introduce her to some sort of cult in a remote area of Bolivia and leave her to die? I just want to know that she’s okay, and happy, and not aware that her position as resident MPDG has been rendered completely obsolete since the production/release of Zooey Deschanel. She doesn’t need that stress in her perfect little bangs.

5. Mya

Featureflash / Shutterstock.com
Featureflash / Shutterstock.com

Let’s put it this way: I often wish that some long-lost love would call up my boyfriend unexpectedly so I could break out in a full rendition of “Case of the Ex” in my kitchen while pointing at him dramatically and emphasizing that “y’all broke up in ’96.” That is how good she was, that song was, and her general presence in our lives was. It seems as though she was enlisted to work on “Lady Marmalade” and then was pushed off of some kind of cliff on some MTV compound and has since been gotten by the buzzards.

6. Ryan Phillippe

Helga Esteb / Shutterstock.com
Helga Esteb / Shutterstock.com

At a certain point, Ryan’s eyes just became so deep and blue and watery and perfect that he was literally sucked into them entirely, collapsing in on himself like a dying star, leaving no trace of what was once one of the greatest tow-headed hotnesses of our flawed, flawed world. RIP.

7. B2K

Featureflash / Shutterstock.com
Featureflash / Shutterstock.com

Look at those outfits. Look at those perfect, perfect outfits. What happened to the groups of adorable boy-men who actually go out in public wearing crushed velour tracksuits and rhinestone-studded rimless sunglasses? We are still in dire need of them, and yet our supply has run dry. And even though their undisputed Justin Timberlake/Diana Ross figure, Omarion, went onto do bigger things throughout the 2000s (such as inspiring a generation of people to sloppily attempt the dance from “Ice Box” in their rooms circa 2007), B2K was largely left behind. We need more from them, man cannot live on “Bump Bump Bump” alone. TC mark

 

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