April 23, 2013

23 Mistakes You Shouldn’t Be Making Anymore

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1. Starting the night off by ordering two rounds of shots, if your goal for the evening isn’t to fall asleep in the bar booth at 9:30 and have to be escorted into a cab by a group of your friends.

2. Drinking things whose main ingredients include grain alcohol and something with enough corn syrup to disguise the fact that you’re drinking grain alcohol.

3. Going to a party where you know there is a very, very high chance of running into your ex with their new significant other — the significant other with whom you are very still much in the “hate-stalk whatever Google can provide you with” phase.

4. Willfully allowing people to take photos of you at a party where you are doing something illegal — from smoking drugs of some sort to flashing a passing cop car — when you know full well that those photos will find themselves on Facebook first thing the following morning.

5. Tumbling while drunk and angry. (This leads to a phenomenon commonly referred to as “passive-aggressively reblogging things and adding not-even-funny-just-mean sarcastic commentary.”)

6. Kissing someone outside a bar whilst chewing gum/smoking a cigarette/letting your cup of whiskey soda pour down their shirt.

7. Not immediately taking people out of your news feed when they take a trip to some new place in the world, as you know that they will immediately be posting upwards of 50 Instagrams of food and architecture that you don’t care about the second their plane touches down.

8. Liking/reblogging the selfies of people who aren’t supposed to know you are simply lust-following them.

9. Starting off a conversation about a favorite TV show with any of your many friends who you know damn well cannot afford cable without saying “Wait, have you seen the latest episode yet? I don’t want to spoil anything.”

10. Not specifying to the waiter that you just want regular tap water and then having to pay for this absurd bottle of precious mineral water harvested from the morning dew in Ryan Gosling’s private wildflower garden.

11. Starting your first day of “Okay I’m going to start exercising and eating right once and for all!!” by working yourself until your muscles collapse and eating nothing but handfuls of spinach, so that you promptly give up for the next six months.

12. Going out to drink with friends on a night where you already feel like crying when you’re getting ready, when you know full well that it’s only going to lead to you being the awkward crying friend who everyone has to comfort while mouthing “What the fuck” to one another across the table at happy hour.

13. Letting your feelings for someone stew in that ugly, confused area of your heartspace where crushes turn into crippling self-loathing because you will never know how they feel about you in return — instead of just, you know, telling them.

14. Getting so in the mood when you’re hooking up with someone new that you just forgo condoms because it’s like, best not to ruin the moment with something as superfluous as STD protection ya know???

15. Agreeing to do something with a friend at, like, 10 AM on a Sunday when you know that you are going out clubbing on Saturday night. Don’t make your Future Self have to cancel that shit at the last minute.

16. Picking up when your parents call and you are 50 shades of drunkleypoops.

17. Saying “yes” to a Facebook event that you are not even sure you want to attend, thus ensuring weeks of irritating notifications about said event that you hastily click away from with increasing resentment.

18. Not being up front on the evenings out where you just can’t spend much money, thus having to pretend that you’re “really not that hungry” as you nibble on breadsticks at the restaurant and everyone else plows through three courses of delicious-looking food.

19. Giving someone compliments you don’t actually think are true and having to watch them get all flattered and excited over your blatant lies.

20. Not planning early and fruitfully on getting a date to a wedding you’re invited to six months in the future, so as not to spend the last two weeks frantically scrambling for someone to go with before ultimately spending the night middle-school-hips-two-feet-apart slow dancing with your second cousin.

21. Ordering a basket of hot wings and being like “Oh I’ll just eat a few and mostly stick to the celery and carrots and let everyone else have the rest.”

22. Reading YouTube comments.

23. Buying plants when you absolutely know that your first order of business is going to be letting them die a slow, torturous death which painfully reminds you how incapable you are of taking care of any living thing you are presented with. TC mark

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