21 Signs You’re The Party Friend
1. Your birthday parties are generally well-organized, highly-planned, often-themed shitshows which everyone in your social group braces themselves for for the few months leading up to the spectacle.
2. On more than one occasion, you have come within a hair’s breath of getting an extremely ill-advised tattoo, or actually gotten one (likely in a place that not many people get to see on a regular basis).
3. You are the first one to scoff audibly and forcefully when a bouncer informs your group that there is going to be a 10-dollar cover to get into some random sports bar on a Wednesday night.
4. Your friends generally assume that you’ll have a condom on you if they’re ever in need of one.
5. There is, and always will be, an extremely special place in your heart for Four Loko — even if it can no longer really be a part of your life.
6. When people start a night out with you, they often preface it with “I can’t really go crazy tonight, so we should probably work our way back towards my place,” even though they know they’re going to be out until four in the morning.
7. Your coworkers actually ask you to come to their parties in their real lives because they know you’re going to be fun/zesty, and not just hang awkwardly in the corner like most “work” friends that get integrated into the group.
8. You have an abundance of red Solo cups that you treat like fine china, only breaking them out for special raging sessions.
9. “Closing Time” by Semisonic makes you feel feels which you cannot quite identify, and which make you the person screaming off-key “I KNOW WHOOOOOO I WANT TO TAKE ME HOMEEE” while swaying back and forth.
10. Even though you know they’re terrible, you kind of have a special love for bros and their ability to turn literally any event into an insane, almost-competitive party atmosphere.
11. So many of your tagged Facebook photos have had to be deleted for professional reasons that you now have put an approval filter on them, just to streamline things.
12. Friends have introduced you to several other people talking about how they knew “you were absolutely going to hit it off,” and the only thing you had in common was that you really liked going out. (Of course, after a few drinks, you absolutely did hit it off in a big way.)
13. The fact that you have not yet been at least ticketed for public indecency is a fact which defies all laws of physics and justice.
14. Though you don’t really have anything you would consider a “substance of choice,” so to speak, you generally go through life with a spirit of “Fuck it, why not?” when it comes to things being passed to you at a party.
15. On at least one occasion, you have uttered the phrase “I could really go for some coke right now.”
16. You always know someone who knows someone who’s got some MDMA with them whenever you go out to a show — even if you’re not going to get any, it’s always nice to have it on standby.
17. People expect you to always be ready to go out and do something crazy, even if you have absolutely no interest in doing so. For them, “Umm, no, it’s midnight on a Tuesday and I want to try to run before work” is not a sufficient response to “Let’s go to the bar.”
18. That being said, on more than one occasion you have gone out to the bar under just those circumstances.
19. You have your hangover-remedy-routine down to a science so perfect that you are looking into ways to patent it.
20. You have an allergic reaction to waiting in lines for places, particularly if it’s cold out. You know that this makes you kind of pretentious, but you just cannot be bothered to care.
21. There are so many Facebook invites to various clubs/parties you have no intention to go to that you have just stopped looking at your events altogether and occasionally miss important things that way, such as a friend’s housewarming or a nephew’s baptism. Oops.
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It started with a right swipe, a little green heart. Tinder of course.
Though I acknowledge and appreciate the differences in human experiences, and while your heartbreak is (and always will be) uniquely and completely your own, I must urge you to consider that I have been where you are.
With his hat cocked back, body tilted away from his cane, and right forefinger pointing directly at his audience, Joseph Ducreux commands the attention of those viewing his self-portrait.
I was born in 1990; he was born in 1973. I’m 23; he just turned 40.