You are the center of things, even if you don’t want to be. You don’t see yourself as this great, funny, thoughtful, awesome hero — but you absolutely are. People look up to you precisely because you don’t want them to, because you see how flawed it is to idolize other people in your group of peers and act as though any of them could possibly have the answers. You are exasperated with the people around you not so much because they are self-absorbed and say asinine things all the time, but because you know that they could do better and be smarter and less easily swayed by the will of the masses. You also match combat boots with a catholic school skirt and somehow don’t look like the rejected older sister of a Suicide Girl. So, there’s that.
2. Jane Lane
You are in many ways quite similar to Daria, but manage to retain a slightly more optimistic view on life, if only (depressingly) because you are more conventionally attractive and have more of a facility with socializing. Admit it, you are kind of the alt-hot girl that all of the dudes on OKCupid who are secretly looking to be rescued by Zooey Deschanel want to bang. But you don’t have time for that — you have your own life to be living. You enjoy art and yet reject all of the pomp and circumstance that typically goes with it, which makes you all the more alluring to the infantile hipsters that need to cling to it for validation.
3. Trent Lane
You are that Brandon Boyd-esque stoner hottie who is sailing through life on a cloud of half-launched music careers and cheekbones that could cut glass. You are the kind of hottie that a girl could develop a crush on over the span of several highly turbulent adolescent years, all the while remaining blissfully unaware because you’re just the kind of guy who is here to smoke weed and sleep til 3 PM. I would also guess you listen to the errant 311 song, when no one is looking.
4. Jake Morgendorffer
You are adorably stressed. Things are always freaking you out and making you question your capacity as a father, son, brother, husband, employee, and every other role you play in your life. You try to understand people, but you’re just kind of… slow. You don’t always “get it,” as the kids are saying, but you are always making an effort. Your heart is in the right place, and that’s what counts, even if you occasionally burst out into frantic choruses of “God God Damnit!”
5. Quinn Morgendorffer
You’re not as cute as you think you are, but no one has the heart to tell you. Also, I’m willing to bet that you got into your college by sleeping with a fair amount of the admissions board. And now you are a pharmaceutical rep.
6. Brittany Taylor
You are surprisingly charming and good-hearted, despite your inability to think about much outside of your tumultuous (and slightly white trash) relationship and your adorable pigtails. You’re the kind of popular girl that people actually like, because unlike the Jawbreaker-esque cliques that are genuinely malicious in their ostracization of other, lesser students, you rule with a benevolent hand. You like cheerleading, and having a high-pitched voice, and asking hilarious questions during class. Also, in real life, you’re probably pregnant and married to your high school sweetheart by 19.
7. Jodie Landon
You’re the kid who was doing 72 internships while the rest of us were sneaking alcohol into the less populated cul-de-sacs of the suburbs and/or robotripping at the local Bed, Bath and Beyond. You have all the pressure, and none of the joie de vivre of your compatriots. But you are a good person, and smart, and are definitely going places in life. We’ll catch up with you in a few years and you’ll be running some incredibly successful company whilst adopting various children from around the world and posing for eerily professional-looking Christmas cards.
You hang out on Reddit a lot.
You are the literal dictionary definition of “peaked in high school,” and will likely smoke meth at least once in your long, slowly downhill-sloping life.
You rule your domain with an iron fist, and have no problem cutting some throats to stay on top. You are by and large the Joffrey Baratheon of your social group, and the only reason people hang out with you is because they’re afraid they will find their beloved housepet hanging from a rafter in the morning if they opt to do something else with their Friday night.
I feel bad for you.
It’s likely that you have opinions on things, but you are clearly taking far too much Klonopin to articulate them. You’re just all about that 1,000-yard stare, painting your nails a pleasing shade of taupe, and ingratiating yourself to your social superiors. Your perfect day would probably include watching old episodes of The OC, drinking mimosas, and trying to remember what emotion felt like.
13. Janet Barch
The only websites you frequent are Jezebel, Feministing, Fedoras of OKCupid, and your private blog wherein you describe all of the various humiliating sexual acts you performed on your common-law spouse this past weekend.
14. Anthony DeMartino
Everything upsets you, and you can’t explain it. You just hate people. Your most pressing thought throughout most das is that there are too many people on this planet, and you will never make enough money to get as far away from them as you need to be. Though there is probably a kernel of “decent human” lodged somewhere deep in your charcoal-black heart, the chances of reaching it after so many years of being hardened and disappointed in humanity look fairly slim. Also, you should probably invest in eye drops.
15. Timothy O’Neill
Your interests include cuddles, talking about your relationship with your father, and getting beaten by the Janets of the world during coitus. You also like helping young people, but are not terribly hip to what they’re up to these days, and so you mostly just end up looking kind of sad. You just have feelings, okay? And you have to Tumblr them. Always Tumblr.
16. Tom Sloane
JK, no one liked Tom. No one.