8 People You Need To Stop Thinking About
1. The crush who is dating someone else.
It’s a terrible feeling when someone you’re cripplingly obsessed with is perfectly happy in another relationship. There is a terrible, evil part of our brain that’s like “They can’t possibly be happy with that person. They are the human equivalent of day-old Wonderbread soaked in skim milk. I have to rescue them from this mess of a relationship and make them fall in love with amazing, perfect me.” It is not your job to be the Manic Pixie Dream Homewrecker who swoops in and takes them away from a relationship you perceive as not as good as it could be with you. There is a chance that they’re not happy, and that they would be happier with you — but that is not your choice to make. If they like you, let them break up with their current with a shred of dignity and come to you on their own time. Breaking them up — or obsessing over the possibility of doing it — only makes you a bad person.
2. The person on Facebook you hate.
How many times are you going to see this person make a status update about their “hubby” and/or their staggering Ugg boots collection and roll your eyes so hard your head literally starts hurting before you decide that this shit isn’t worth your time? There are so many things to be paying attention to, and the person you held onto via social media even though you only ever vaguely knew each other in middle school is not one of them — especially if everything they say/do irritates you on a spiritual level. They may be an idiot who enjoys The Big Bang Theory, but you are the one devoting your precious “hating time” to them.
3. The coworker you’re really jealous of.
This person may be making more money than you. The boss may indeed prefer them for no good reason, and consciously make things easier on them just because. There very well may be an unfair work environment going on that favors them and makes your life more difficult. But the thing is, being consumed with your jealousy for them is not going to help you in the least. When you are being eaten alive with rage every day because your coworker just seems to be floating by on an unearned cloud of golden professional success, you have two options: Either work harder yourself, or change jobs. And given that the economy is currently a game of Hungry Hungry Hippo where there are only, like, three little white balls — you may want to focus on doing better in your own lane.
4. The celebrity you can’t stand.
Every second you spend thinking about them, blogging about them, tweeting about them, or generally considering their existence is another dollar in their pocket. Look at what hatred did to Kim Kardashian — it made her more popular than any human being has ever been, and immaculately conceived a Kanye West baby. Bad celebrities are a boil on the ass cheek of society, and it’s best to just leave them alone, lest they grow more inflamed.
5. The person who was rude to you on the street.
Someone slammed into you on the subway to push into the car when they were clearly supposed to let people off first. You gave an indignant “Hey, watch out!” and they snubbed you. Trust me, I know that not letting this little exchange ruin the rest of your day is an uphill battle, to say the least. I once was incoherently angry for about 20 city blocks because this woman pushed past me and hit me with her umbrella instead of giving the cursory “excuse me” and walking by. But this kind of anger provides what is possibly the least impressive return on investment for any emotion in life. Angry Subway Man is not going to ever factor into your life again, and there is no reason to give him any more than he has already taken. Focus on the person who held open the door for you, or who smiled at you when handing you your morning coffee. Those people are actually worth your energy.
6. The person your ex cheated on you with.
This person is never going to stop being horrible in your mind, so it’s best not to exacerbate things by letting the more animal part of your brain run wild with cries of “What if?” for years on end. There is a direct correlation between how much you allow yourself to think about them, and how insane you become overall. You are essentially Frodo after he held the ring for too long when you fixate on them — your speech become incoherent conspiracy theories, and you can’t stop foaming at the mouth/sweating. It’s not doing anyone any favors by prolonging it.
7. The blogger you hate-read.
These people live on your clicks. Their ads don’t care if you came for the wrong reasons, you’re just a number on their stat report.
8. The person who is better-looking than you.
There is nothing more unfortunate than obsessing over someone who is prettier than you, and yet, we all insist on spending an absurd amount of time doing just that. No one is exempt from the powerful draw of the “Forget that bitch, she is way too pretty. Hate her and her stupid dimples.” Basically the world is full of really sexy people who get more attention, more free stuff, and more easy breaks than any of us will ever know. Is it unfair? Yes. Is it depressing? Absolutely. But there are few things less attractive than being envious and obviously bitchy towards someone just because they are better-looking than you. If you need to, take comfort in the fact that beauty is amongst our most fleeting human qualities, and life is going to take a sharp turn for the difficult for all the super sexy people when they are no longer turning every head in the Starbucks. For now, though, we all have to deal with the fact that better-looking people are going to be achieving things that we want and getting the affections of people we love. It’s just part of life — we have to band together and get through it. #TeamUggos
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Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
I’m about to finish up my sophomore fall of college, and friends from home are getting married and having babies and sufficiently freaking me out.
He was a perfect date. I later got drunk and hacked his phone (who uses their birth year for a password? It was 1986, by the way #teamcougar). What I found was a text to a Kristina explaining his aforementioned sex dream he’d had about her while sleeping next to me in a luxurious hotel bed.