The Pros And Cons Of Getting Drunk
Pro: You are likely going to be capable of saying things that you wouldn’t normally have the courage to say, engaging in conversations that you may have long been curious about but haven’t been able to do yet. You could learn a lot about those close to you (or even new friends) by opening up a little bit more with your thoughts and emotions.
Con: Several of these “things” you’re going to say will include: absurd amounts of TMI about your social and sexual lives, a confession about your crush on someone who absolutely under no circumstances was supposed to know about it, and how beautiful you think your friend is that you’re basically really jealous of her but it’s not that you don’t like her it’s just like fuck can’t she stop being pretty for two seconds so you can look good in comparison for once? “Also,” you are likely to add, “I have to pee.”
Pro: You lose a lot of your inhibitions about doing things that you would normally deem too crazy or too dangerous, and can have some seriously fun adventures in the process.
Con: Your drunk self often thinks that “seriously fun adventures” include sexually harassing the hot cashier guy at McDonald’s and all but removing your shirt in the interest of procuring breakfast sandwiches before the designated breakfast sandwich hour. You also may do things that, regardless of context, are incredibly and un-justifiably dangerous, such as starting fights with people twice your size and trying to do a handstand to impress everyone when you are having trouble staying upright while seated.
Pro: You are far more likely to go after all of that sex you’ve been wanting to have for so long, especially with that hot, hot crush you’ve been wanting to have it with more than anything. Your drunkenness may very well be the impetus to consummating the burning desire you’ve felt for so long.
Con: You also run a high risk of looking like a dying trout flopping around on top of your amorous partner. You are likely going to be sweaty, and somewhat drooly, and generally not in great control of your limbs/movements. If you are a dude, there is a good chance of whiskey dick happening, which will only be exacerbated by your partner drunkenly reassuring you that “it’s no big deal” and “this happens all the time.” Generally you are guaranteed not to be at the top of your game, and if you’re looking to make a good first impression, this may not be the best way to go about it.
Pro: Chances are good that by now you’ve learned to have drinks which are less heavy on the calories and sugar, and therefore better overall for you to be drinking. You can opt for a vodka soda with a splash of cran and a squeeze of lime, therefore being able to enjoy your evening out with less overall guilt and possibly less of a hangover.
Con: Whatever progress you may be making by resisting ordering the liquid dessert buffet that is many modern cocktails, you are almost guaranteed to counteract it by promptly consuming every unhealthy thing that you can get your hands on upon leaving the bar. Whether it is through going home and mindlessly devouring an entire family-size (lol) box of Cheez-Its or stopping by the Taco Bell to order the establishment’s five potential ingredients in every possible combination they are sold, there is going to be a consumption of about twice your normal daily intake of saturated fat in a fugue state you’re hardly even going to remember in the morning.
Pro: There are more ways than ever now of saving money when it comes to going out, and if you find out where good specials are going on in your city before you head out for the evening, there’s a chance that drinking could end up amongst the cheaper things to do that night.
Con: Basically no matter how many two dollar pitcher nights you find to watch the game and hang out with friends, between the cab, the rounds of shots, the food, and the high risk of just generally losing your credit card, chances are that you are not making it out of the evening financially unscathed. You may not completely decimate your checking account, as you do on some occasions, but you are guaranteed to regret at least one thing your inebriated self deemed worthy of purchasing while in the heat of the drunken moment.
Pro: There is no pro to the morning after a night of heavy drinking. If you’re one of those people who’s like “Oh, I don’t even get hangovers, I just wake up and go the next morning at a regular hour, feeling refreshed and fully myself *insufferable smile*,” you’re honestly not even invited to this article.
Con: I don’t know what the biggest con about the morning after is: working at the pace of a relatively fresh corpse, having a head and stomach arguing over which one is in more excruciating pain, being incredibly nauseous, craving food even worse than what you consumed the night before, or having a mouth with the general taste and feel of a graveyard. I think they’re all winners, to be honest.
Now, I am selfish and entitled and lazy. You have pushed me into the corner with the scraps, just as I entered into the adult realm where no one is better than the people they know.
By Emily Snider
Ok, some of these are from late 2012 but w/e they are still awesome and amazing.
But no one tells you that, no matter how much you tell yourself that you are beautiful, someone will always come around and try to shake you.
A school bans a Spanish-speaking student from speaking Spanish