December 31, 2012

The Dos And Don’ts Of New Year’s Eve

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DO wear things that are unreasonably sparkly. There is a time to go for outfits which are more reflective of your cohesive move into adulthood. There is a time at which you want your ensemble to convey “I pay my rent on time and have frank discussions with my sexual partners about reproductive health and safety.” This is not that time. Now is the moment at which you want to look like a hairball one of Britney Spear’s oily backup dancers coughed up after a show full of licking her sequin-covered wardrobe. You want to be the disco ball, as whatever party you will be attending runs a semi-high chance of not having one. The light should hit you from every angle and make you the twinkling star on top of the Christmas tree that is your collective drunkenness.

DON’T wear something that is really expensive/new/important to you. As your goal is to look both FAF (Festive As Fuck) and wasteyface, nice clothes are officially your enemy. It is not the moment to break out your grandmother’s vintage fur coat which is as sentimentally important as it is high in monetary value. Now is the time to go to that hallowed hall of all things “This Drink Cost More Than My Dress,” Forever 21. You now have free reign to pick up the kind of dress you would normally gawk at like the judgmental old hipster critics from The Muppets. What you want is something that has the attention-getting ability of one of those LED belt buckles from 2004 and all of the personal value of a used Kleenex.

DO put aside all of your petty disagreements for the evening. This is not the time to have a fight going on. I don’t care if you just found out that your best friend has been sleeping with both your boyfriend and your brother for an extended period of time now, you put that shit aside and you clink glasses. There is no reason to harsh everyone’s collective buzz by having an argument or full-on fight in the middle of the party. Pretend like everything is fine, wish good things for 2013, and save your bitchery for early January, where it belongs.

DON’T go to a party that you’re not actually into. There is no worse way to start the year than at a party you do not enjoy, full of people you are not into. Frankly, it’s better to stay home and watch a few good movies and have some single-serve champagne than waste your time at a pretentious gathering of several dozen of your least-favorite assholes. And as anyone who has actually been to a torturously lackluster NYE jam can attest to, it certainly doesn’t give you positive feelings about the new year ahead of you.

DO drink champagne, or the closest thing to it you can get. I’m not here to judge. If you’re less on the champagne train and more on the Andre-concealed-in-a-Nalgene machine, good for you. We’ve all had moments at which the more legitimate bubbly was less accessible, but the point is that you try. You should be going for some of that golden bubbly (or rosé bubbly, if you have to be difficult and bourgie), even if it means sacrificing on a little quality or a little pocket money. There is a direct correlation between the number of bubbles you consume and the degree to which your new year is going to be enjoyable. If you drink a magnum by yourself, get ready to win the lottery and impregnate several Russian models this year!

DON’T vomit champagne everywhere. If there is something more painful than throwing up still-bubbly champagne (which somehow usually ends up burning the delicate tissue of your drunken nostrils along the way), I have yet to encounter it. Champagne is not fun in reverse.

DO allow yourself to enjoy all of the most played-out songs of 2012. I don’t care how many times you’ve danced terribly along to “Gangnam Style,” or sloppily sung along to “Call Me Maybe,” or even threatened suicide over hearing “Somebody That I Used To Know” one more time, now you are in love with all of these songs again. It’s time to give them a little homage at the end of the year for all they did to enrapture and irritate us throughout 2K12. No one is allowed to be a bummer about listening to played-out music, everyone secretly wants to sing along to Taylor Swift and they know it.

DON’T worry about eating too much. I get that you are probably trying to look your best for a multitude of reasons tonight, but now is not the time to be like “I can’t possibly touch another blini/slice of pizza/Pringle with melted cheese on it [depending on how classy the party you're attending is].” First of all, you’re going to need a rectangular slab the size of your own torso made entirely of carbs to absorb all of the heinous things you’re going to be drinking. Second, it’s the last legit day of “holidays,” before you have to return to your reality of trying to work into being a slightly less sloth-like entity by focusing on riding your bike often and eating more carrot sticks. Enjoy it while it lasts.

DO kiss everyone. Who cares if you don’t have a special someone to turn to at midnight? You shouldn’t be only focusing your festive affections on just a single person, anyway. If you’re not leaving the party having given everyone a wet one on the cheek/lips at least once each, you are missing out on something truly precious. (Not to mention that, should your crush be at this party, this is a golden opportunity to kiss him/her and play it off like they’re just “one of the group.”) Kissing is the only proper way to start off the new year, and you should be doing it with everyone. (Watch out for cold sores.) TC mark

 

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