19 Status Updates You Will See About Kate & Will’s Baby
1. “OMG I AM SO HAPPY FOR THEM!!!!!!11″
2. “She is going to make the most beautiful mother, she is really a wonderful person inside and out, I am just so happy for all of this.”
3. “First she’s flopping her titties out for the world to see and now she wants to be a mom? #GetItTogether”
4. “She is gonna get sooooooo fat.”
5. “If only this was going to bring Will’s hair back. :(“
6. “I really feel like we have more important things as a society to worry about than the mundane goings-on of a couple who is literally millions of times more wealthy than most of the world’s population will ever be for doing absolutely nothing of function.”
7. “They are so important to Britain’s tourism!! Don’t forget that!!”
8. “Umm so apparently that famous British couple is going to have a baby now? I guess I’m supposed to really care about this for some inexplicable reason?”
9. “Oh great, yet another celebrity baby that everyone is going to obsess over and completely ruin the chance for it to have a semi-normal life not plagued by drug and alcohol addiction.”
10. “OMG this is so exciting I <3 England. #RoyalLove" (This will most likely come from the person who tends to be impressed with literally anything that features a British accent.)
11. "Fuck England."
12. "[Insert meme of the Queen looking old and saying something crabby about how she used to own countries and now she's going to have to change diapers again, or something along those lines.]"
13. "Can't wait to see Kate's maternity clothes! If only we could all get custom made peacoats to accomany our bumps! <3"
14. "Everyone please shut the fuck up about this stupid baby already, no one cares."
15. "[Article speculating on everything from the location of conception, to the potential names, to how jealous Pippa Middleton is now because SHE'S GOING TO DIE A LONELY HARPY JUST HER, HER CATS, AND HER FLAWLESS ASS.]"
16. "#TeamPippa lol."
17. "Oh wow so surprising the couple who literally gets paid to look good in public together now are having a baby that will make more money as a fetus than any of us will in our lifetimes. How shocking. /sarcasm”
18. “I hope it’s a girl so it can wear pretty princess dresses!! :)”
19. “Whatever, Harry is the hot one anyway.”
A | A | A
Will it feel the same when you tell me you love me over the phone? Will the peacefulness of those words still floor me from thousands of miles away?
I was conflicted. It felt like one eye was trying to look away while the other soaked it up. I felt the heat rise in my face. This was wrong. But it didn’t feel wrong.
Any nervous flyer knows the progression of descending panic: bile, sweaty palms, social awkwardness and self-induced sedation.
I know how it feels when the weight of darkness crashes down onto your chest in the middle of the night, and how you wish things would stop spinning because the axis seems tilted now. I know, love, I know.