How To Be A Beautiful Woman
Be thin. Not so thin that you actually might look like you have an eating problem, in which case you will be told to “eat a cheeseburger” or called “bag of bones,” but thin. You should be very slender everywhere except for the essential parts of you which have pleasing, soft curves. Your arms shouldn’t show even the slightest fat deposits, for example, but your bust should be full and butt be high and round. If you don’t have these attributes naturally, you can get implants, but they had better look completely natural — if not, you’re going to be a “fake bitch” with “big fake tits.” And no matter how pronounced these curves are, you cannot have even a single pock of cellulite — that shit is gross.
And speaking of skin, yours is flawless. You don’t have acne, you don’t have redness, and you certainly don’t have wrinkles. You are perpetually young, even if that means getting fillers and surgery (though you should never look as though you’ve had work done of any kind, that would make you disgusting and the subject of mockery). Your skin should be creamy and soft and, as if it even needs to be said, white. You are permitted to be another race, but only if your features fall firmly in the “Caucasian” category. Looking too “ethnic” is weird and undesirable.
Don’t wear makeup. Well, I mean, you do — don’t get me wrong. You just wear makeup that is perfectly blended and adjusted to your skin as to be invisible. You should be “natural,” because “natural” beauty means that you are, by default, a low-maintenance and cool person. Essentially, you just look like you are photoshopped in real life at all times. When you wake up, your hair naturally mussed, but in an attractive, sexy way. Your skin is dewey and your eyes are never smudged with mascara. This gives your significant other the crucial ability to say “I love her when she just wakes up, that’s when she’s most beautiful.”
Work out, of course, because you have to keep your body in flawless shape, but you don’t do it too much. You are never sweaty or out of breath, and never look as though you’re actually having a hard time completing the exercise you are doing. You also never put on too much muscle, as being too obviously muscular is disgusting and repulsive on a woman’s body — what do you want, to look like a man? Ha! Ha! Ha! Gross.
Wear clothes that are flattering and fit your body well, but never look as though you are trying too hard or spending too much money. Your attire should be perfectly tailored to accent every curve without ever clinging too tightly, lest you look like a gross whore. There is a thin line between being “sexy” and being “slutty,” a man gets to arbitrarily decide it, and you are never to cross it. Your clothes should also be of high, refined quality without ever stepping into the territory of “label whore” or being the kind of “high-maintenance bitch” who would demand to be treated to nice outfits.
Above all, you are humble. You are neither the kind of “attention whore” who self-deprecates about her obviously beautiful features in order to gain approval that she does not actually deserve, nor the “full-of-herself bitch” whose confidence and pride stinks up every room she enters before she even has a chance to open her mouth. You are perfectly accepting of your beauty, never mention it or show it off in any way that makes you feel good about yourself. You are a portrait of quiet, restrained self-acceptance that never makes others acknowledge you.
If you fail to meet any of these standards, you are ugly, and therefore worthless to society. Best to just accept it now, you heinous bridge troll.
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Unfortunately I can only speak to a heterosexual couple because that is my only area of experience. However, I don’t imagine there is much difference except for my stereotyping in the first step, which is facetious anyway. 1.
1. You don’t wake up to a Christmas tree–you wake up to bagels and a prolonged discussion about whether the family should consider going to a new bagel place because the lox aren’t sliced thin enough.
I thought that a man crying was a rare and ugly thing, certainly nothing that I would encounter in my romantic life.
You were a founding figure in the “adorkable” movement.