25 Things We Are Too Lazy To Do
1. Going organic “just to try it out for a while.” (You’re good up until the moment when you’re like “Fuck it, I’m gonna just eat these Cheetos.”)
2. In a similar vein, going vegetarian/vegan “to see what it’s like.” Try keeping that up when everyone goes drunk to Taco Bell at 2 AM. Enjoy your caramel apple empanada sprinkled with your own tears.
3. Decorating your apartment with the really fancy color schemes that you saw on Tumblr/Pinterest recently. No, you’re just going to get the IKEA couch everyone else has — and maybe put a couple throw pillows on it, but let’s not go crazy.
4. Making super healthy smoothies with shit like kale and flax seed oil in them for breakfast before work.
5. Making your own pumpkin spice latte from scratch (though damn if you won’t look at it on the internet for 45 seconds and be like, “Damn, that’s sweet, I should do that”).
6. Reading fancy smart people things like The New Yorker.
7. Writing a novel (though this isn’t to say that you won’t write the opening chapter of, like, 20 of them).
8. Starting a novelty/theme Tumblr, no matter how hilarious you imagine it would be.
9. Responding with an equally lengthy/impassioned comment to someone you vehemently disagree with about a political/social issue in a comment section. Come on, you’d much rather watch funny videos of people falling while skateboarding.
10. Participating in online contests of any kind.
11. Listening to an album that a friend recommends “front to back,” as you’re “supposed” to take it in.
12. Watching the 23408324 TED talks you know would be so incredibly enriching.
13. Doing the incredibly complex but seemingly doable hairstyles you see on YouTube tutorials, no matter how many times you watch the beautiful beauty vlogger do them.
14. Learning how to legitimately use Photoshop (if you’re a graphic designer and actually know how to use it, you can just scoot right on out of this conversation).
15. Getting more familiar with wine, as just ordering the second-least expensive bottle on the menu and saying “tastes great” indiscriminately when you are the one tasting it at the table is so much easier and IT ALL BASICALLY TASTES GOOD.
16. Learning that second (or third) language you’ve been pretending like you’re going to actually learn for so long.
17. Taking the time to make a pie crust from scratch when, come on, you can just buy one and they essentially taste as good.
18. Getting really into jazz.
19. Actually making the effort to call someone to discuss things with real-life voices, particularly considering how convenient and effective texting “lol :)” is.
20. Following one of those free online Ivy League courses that everyone can do from their own home, even though you know it is literally nothing but upsides.
21. Explaining to someone on your blog, as you know is the right thing to do in the broader ethical sense of the word, exactly why Beyoncé is so vastly superior to Britney.
22. Making your nails look fancy with crazy, intricate colors and patterns, no matter how many times you say “Oh, god, those nails are so cute” while browsing nail-themed blogs.
23. Replicating literally anything you see on Etsy.
24. Investing in a legitimate cocktail setup with shaker, proper glasses, and traditional mixers. (Even if you are not financially prohibited from doing this, you’re still going to stick to wine and vodka-whatever-you-happen-to-have-in-your-fridge-that-day.)
25. Making the most of a trip to the grocery store by actually buying the raw ingredients for a balanced diet full of made-from-scratch meals that you can save in Tupperwares and freeze for eating at a later convenience. Lol, you’re just going to get a rainbow of carbs, the occasional frozen vegetable, and maybe some gum at the cash register — let’s be real.
Nobody actually expects you to act like an adult for a while.
“What are you going to do with an English degree?”
I’m finding it hard to muster any sympathy for this asthmatic leatherneck. Instead, there is only contempt.
By Jim Goad
He noted that during trial, the women (we made up three out of the four mockers) mumbled to ourselves in between questioning witnesses.
By Elaine West