1. Rihanna and Katy Perry are not actually human beings, but complex speaker systems crafted by the Illuminati as an efficient method of transmission for neutral, inoffensive, club-ready jams.
2. Twilight is an enormous marketing ploy by Reddit, Tumblr, and Facebook Comedians at large to expand their reach by running the same jokes about how bad it is into the ground to the point that you almost like it just to be contrary.
3. One Direction is just one pre-teen girl split into five semi-functioning bodies.
4. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was originally titled, “Decide which emotion is stronger, your dislike of Kyle Richards or your pity for her sister, Kim.”
5. In order to secure her spot on the X Factor panel, Britney Spears was contractually obligated to sell her eyebrows to science.
6. Beyoncé subsists entirely on a diet of self-satisfaction, her mother’s adoration, and the bone marrow of former Destiny’s Child members.
7. For about a two-year period in the early 2000s, Christina Aguilera was made entirely out of motor oil slicks and white girl braid-weaves.
8. Nicolas Cage actually died several days after the release of Leaving Las Vegas, and no one is sure who is doing these movies with his name.
9. Tyra Banks’ physical makeup is over 70 percent forehead and smug looks.
10. All contestants who participate in America’s Next Top Model are promptly fed into the mouth of a volcano in rural Oregon after elimination to stave off the wrath of an angry, vengeful God.
11. Lady Gaga’s first words were “I can’t wait to have a gay son so we can go shopping together!”
12. Everytime someone lets out an exasperated sigh upon finding out that Seth MacFarlane has a new project in the works, Seth MacFarlane earns $70,000.
13. Justin Timberlake is with the mediocre-by-all-accounts Jessica Biel because she is made out of chocolate and the screams of innocent children.
14. Ke$ha is one of those alcohol-soaked tampons you’ve heard about in the news.
15. The Kardashian sisters are more eyeliner than face flesh at this point.
16. Drake is well-known amongst his inner circles for playing his demos at parties and turning to people with his eyes full of tears, vulnerably squeaking, “Do you love it?”
17. There is no such thing as Michael Bay, only a car explosion that became sentient.
18. Kanye West bathes in jacuzzis full of his own saliva.
19. No one knows exactly what happened to Yung Joc, Chamillionaire, or Lil’ Scrappy, but there are rumors that they opened up a B&B in Vermont and serve homemade preserves made from elderberries grown on the property.
20. Madonna’s Google history contains only the phrases “youth cream” and “serve a bitch straight d and make her face fall off.”
21. White male anthropology majors named Josh are currently in a communal process of transforming into a DVD box set of The Wire.
22. Kelly Osbourne lives in a giant boot in a secluded Norwegian forest, rocking back and forth in her Snuggie, muttering to the trees about how she was never as fat as any of these other fat bitches.