19 Bad Pieces Of Advice You’ll Get In Your 20s
1. “It’s totally cool to find a roommate on Craigslist, there are really legit people on there who are just looking to find someone to pay the rent — it’s really no big deal.” (This tidbit is awesome right up until the moment when you are living with The Most Sketchball Roommate Ever, whom you deemed acceptable simply because they didn’t misspell every other word in their want ad.)
2. “Don’t worry about loans right now, just get that MFA. It’s your dream, and you are going to kick yourself forever if you don’t follow it. You could die tomorrow from getting hit by a bus, honestly, you need to stop worrying so much about the future.”
3. “Come on, stop moping about your ex. All you really need is to get out there and have a really good time with your friends!” (What they don’t say here is “get drunk and bang a bunch of randos,” but just know that that is heavily implied.)
4. “It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a job secured yet, just move to New York. You’ll find something! It’s where everything is happening — you need to be there to really make the most out of your 20s.”
5. “Oh my god, you should watch this wedding reality show with me. It’s so much fun — it’s kind of my guilty pleasure.” (“It also totally won’t make you feel horrible about your own life and society at large.”)
6. “Just because they haven’t responded to your text for a day or two doesn’t mean they’re not interested! Think of all the things they could be doing. They have a job, they have friends, or maybe their phone just is lost or dead somewhere! Don’t worry about it.”
7. “There are plenty of fish in the sea, forget about them.” (Right, because having plenty of potential terrible messages to sift through on OKCupid is really going to soften the blow of the love of my life having dumped me two days ago.)
8. “You should donate to this Kickstarter.”
9. “Have you ever tried coke? You should do it, it’s really not that bad. It just makes you really awake and talkative and lets you drink for a long time. It’s actually really sweet. You should try some. Come on, I have some right now.”
10. “Oh, come on, forget about work! Let’s just do one more shot and then you can go home… you don’t have to be awake for, like, five hours!!”
11. “It’s really not that big of a deal to sleep with one of your coworkers. It’s like, yeah, it can make things awkward — but it’s really worth it, honestly, because it’s kind of hot in that forbidden way. Nothing that bad is really going to come from it.”
12. “Have you met my friend? You’d really like him. He’s a DJ/graphic designer/web marketer and he’s really into the local music scene. He’s got the biggest collection of snapbacks I’ve ever seen, it’s insane. You should totally meet him.”
13. “Why would you look on Craigslist for a job? There aren’t any actual jobs on that site, it’s just scams geared to post-grads.”
14. “Learning to cook is so overrated. Honestly, you can order everything, and it’s such a time-drain having to learn everything yourself. Besides, think of all the potential storage you have in your kitchen! No one cooks anymore.”
15. “Hey, like my page on Facebook.” (“So I can inundate your inbox/feed with endless notifications about things that you either cannot logistically attend or are not remotely interested in.”)
16. “Have you considered talking with this guy? He’s a social media expert and consultant, he could totally help you get your project off the ground if you wanted.”
17. “Do you have a Tumblr yet? You should really get one!” (And then proceed to lose up to 70 percent of your productive hours scrolling through endless posts of gay fanfic, high-res pictures of autumn leaves, and links to insane news stories.)
18. “You really need to come shopping this weekend. Come on, use a credit card or something! It’s not a big deal. There are huge sales on right now and you can pay it back later… you’re totally going to regret it if you don’t come out with me!”
19. “It doesn’t matter if you’re paying a little too much in rent, it’s really essential to be centrally located. If you’re not living in one of three cities, and living within the hottest areas of said cities, you may as well kill yourself and spare yourself the agony of ending up in a cesspool like St. Louis.”
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It started with a right swipe, a little green heart. Tinder of course.
Though I acknowledge and appreciate the differences in human experiences, and while your heartbreak is (and always will be) uniquely and completely your own, I must urge you to consider that I have been where you are.
With his hat cocked back, body tilted away from his cane, and right forefinger pointing directly at his audience, Joseph Ducreux commands the attention of those viewing his self-portrait.
I was born in 1990; he was born in 1973. I’m 23; he just turned 40.