Reasons To Be Wearing Uggs In 2012
You have just stepped out of a time machine from 2004 and are still too disoriented to have found a legitimate pair of shoes.
You are miraculously immune to the gross foot sweat that accumulates when they are worn sockless.
You need something to go with your Juicy Couture purse and sweatpants that say “Kiss Me” across the ass.
You are in some sort of dystopian, post-apocalyptic future and the only thing that hasn’t been destroyed is the Ugg factory.
You have cut yourself off from contact with all of humanity and are therefore unaware that Uggs are merely Crocs’ Nordic-weather cousins and are not meant to actually be worn by people.
You want something fancy to wear to your local Piggly Wiggly.
You need the perfect shoe to go with your brand-new bottle of Britney Spears’ Fantasy perfume that you have just doused all over yourself.
You want something that says “I have a spare 150 dollars to spend on boots, but absolutely no taste.”
You have convinced yourself that they are somehow that much more comfortable than a decent pair of riding boots. (No, no they’re not.)
You are a freshman in college and, therefore, fuck it.
You have given up on life and are also considering investing in a collection of Snuggies to replace your entire wardrobe.
You think that they look good. (Just kidding, this is physically impossible.)
You enjoy punishing those around you by assaulting their eyes relentlessly with your poop-shaped shoe-like objects.
You are late to an audition for The Real Housewives of the Waffle House Outside of Greensboro, North Carolina.
You hate your feet and want them to look absurd.
You don’t realize that time has progressed since Mean Girls was in theaters and society has collectively realized how offensive they are as footwear.
You are Australian and are therefore subject to some severe governmental mandate that all citizens must walk around with these national abominations on.
You are starring on an episode of The Simple Life.
You hate everything good in the world and are determined to erode life’s natural beauty.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”