9 People You Become When You’re Drunk
1. The Talker
You have so much to talk about, it’s crazy. There are just so many people you want to become best friends with by harassing them with your voice. That random person next to you at the bar — why not tell them all about that crush you have that you’re secretly hoping to sleep with later tonight while you wait for your drinks? Oh, and you know all those humiliating, supposed-to-be-private things you wouldn’t ever dream of letting another human being know? TIME TO TALK ABOUT THEM AT TOP VOLUME. Is there any reason you shouldn’t be talking about these things? No! You’ve got some serious self-loathing and remorse to agonize over in the morning while you replay every conversation in your mind over your bowl of cereal. Why would you deny yourself that privilege?
2. Tears McGee
There is just so much emotion in the world right now and it’s all being crammed, like some metaphysical funnel, through your tear ducts. Your friend is so pretty it makes you want to cry. This music is so good and is cutting through your heart like an infomercial knife through a series of vegetables — time to weep silently as you rock back and forth with your eyes closed. Someone said something innocuous that you misinterpreted as an insult? Why not sob in their general direction in between outbursts of “Why do you hate me though!?!” It’ll be great.
3. Dancing Machine
No matter what comes on next — anything from “Thriller” to “The Beautiful People” to “The Cupid Shuffle” — is going to cause you to yell like a dog that’s just been stepped on about how OH MY GOD THIS IS MY SONG!!! Is this really your song? Come on, no it’s not. It’s just your song right now because you’re ready to hold your glass up above your head and wave it around as it occasionally sloshes over the side, wiggling your body back and forth to the music. You wanna make up steps. You wanna do the Electric Slide to songs that are not “The Electric Slide.” It’s just time to move to the point that your face hurts, until you feel like you’re in the middle of some kind of Pentecostal revival tent, dancing with Jesus himself.
4. The Fighter
“What the fuck did you just say, bitch?” It’s time to misconstrue everything you see/hear as a personal attack until you’re essentially trying to slap everyone within a 15-foot radius in the face for looking at you with bitch eyes. It doesn’t matter what they actually said. It doesn’t matter if it’s not worth arguing over. It doesn’t matter if they could clearly take you in a fair fight. What matters is that someone insulted your honor, or the honor of your ancestors, and you have to defend it. You slap them with your drunk-ass glove, and you demand satisfaction.
5. Sex Wizard
Have you ever noticed how amazing strangers feel? Drunk You has! Drunk You’s favorite hobby is deciding suddenly that they are in the mood to rub up on people and doing just that. You want to kiss your friends — look at how kissable their faces are! You want to make out with that hottie on the dance floor, what’s stopping you? The Sex Wizard has but one mission in life, and it’s to make very special friends with everyone. God forbid someone actually has to go home and have messy Sex Wizard sex with you — try not to break any appendages while you flop incoherently all over each other while making noises Sober You would find nauseating.
6. The Disappearing Act
Get ready to lose things you didn’t previously consider possible to lose, including yourself. Your phone, your wallet, your keys, your jacket, your purse, your pants — everything is fair game. One minute you’re having an awesome time dancing the night away to brostep, the next you’re yelling at people to “get the hell out of the way” while you scour the floor for a credit card that just magically popped out of your back pocket. Hell hath no fury like a drunk person looking for something they lost. On one hand, they have limited coherence as to how they’re actually going to search various areas — on the other, they will essentially tip over a car in their frenzy to get to it. The Disappearing Act is a force to be reckoned with.
7. “Feed Me, Seymour”
At a certain point, everything in the entire world will magically melt away and be reduced to its essential components: your mouth and a box of chicken nuggets. Or pizza. Or a gyro. Essentially anything that Paula Deen would consider an appropriate before-dinner snack is on your menu — all things deep-fried and cheese-smothered is your new best friend. There will even come a moment where you start to run through the increasingly absurd list of things you would do to get to a Taco Bell. “All we have to do is take a 45-minute cab to the 24-hour drive-thru one city over, and we’re golden.” Pro tip: Drunk You would definitely take that cab, and would weep tears of joy whilst inhaling burritos and sipping T. Bell-exclusive Baja Blast Mountain Dew.
8. Mr. Moneybags
Who wants another shot? It’s on you! Someone need help with their down payment on a new car? Mr. Moneybags has you covered! There is nothing that Generous Mr. Moneybags wouldn’t do for friends, for acquaintances, for friends of friends, or for random strangers at the bar. We shouldn’t let something as insignificant as “a budget” come between you and a good time. In fact, how about a round for the whole group? You have the cash! Spoiler alert: You do not have the cash.
9. The Mess
It’s the end of the night. You might not know it yet, but it’s definitely the end. You’re wobbling around and combining every negative quality of the Drunk Characters you could possibly be. You lost your sweater, you have no money left, you’re hungry, you’re crying, you’re yelling at strangers — it’s time for you to pack it up and go home. It doesn’t matter how many times you insist that you’re perfectly fine, we all know you’re not even close to being okay. We all have moments like this, accept that it’s your turn and go curl up in your bed with your shoes and coat still on, like an adult.
You’re not nice, honey, you’re bitter.
By Alannah Ryan
If you can’t afford to tip. EAT. AT. HOME. In fact don’t eat at all. Go starve and die.
By Anne Gus
“GET OFF HER HAIR, IDIOT!”
By Rob Fee
I’m not made of porcelain and I’m not going to break if you use the wrong words or reveal yourself to be a terrible person.