32 Problems We’re Lucky To Have
1. Getting flattering messages on online dating sites from people we’re not interested in and thus have to delete with a light “ugh.”
2. Ordering a coffee at the end of your meal and side-eyeing your server, as you are greatly suspicious that they did not, in fact, give you decaf.
3. Having the color you picked out to paint your accent wall be slightly different from how you imagined it by looking at the paint chip. (Side note: if you are at the point in your life where you are painting accent walls, I am forever jealous.)
4. Having to watch your second-favorite choice at the movies instead of what you really wanted to see because you were outvoted by the group.
5. Not getting home early enough to watch the show we’ve been waiting for and thus having to record it to watch it at a later time.
6. Stumbling across minor spoilers on the internet while waiting to watch said show.
7. Being thoroughly disappointed when your cocktail does not arrive in a sweet glass with little chunks of fruit on a toothpick and a crazy straw as it was falsely promoted in the menu.
8. Holding the opinion that Harry Potter is overrated and never being able to express it on the internet for fear of being ravaged alive by the online equivalent of those flesh-eating beetles from The Mummy.
9. Someone putting the toilet paper on the holder the wrong way. (AND YOU HAD BETTER KNOW WHICH WAY IS THE WRONG WAY.)
10. The delivery guy arriving 10 minutes late while you’re rolling around on your floor in agony, clutching your stomach and screaming about how cruel God is to make you wait like this.
11. McDonald’s being closed when you’re drunk.
12. Finding out that your favorite product/activity has been linked to cancer. (Though, let’s be honest, what hasn’t been loosely linked to cancer at some point?)
13. The WiFi at Starbucks being down — particularly torturous when you see someone next to you who has private internet that they’re just sitting on like a fat capitalist pig.
14. Having air conditioning so cool that it requires an extra blanket.
15. Finding out that a friend has recently gotten engaged, married, or pregnant and feeling a strange mixture of envious, happy, and disappointed, as you are not sure if you want these things yourself but know that they are not even an option for you at this point.
16. Being mildly judged by the extended family members that we get to see all together at holidays and important events.
17. Deciding which organic stores deserve your hard earned dollar — whether to go to Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s for your tilapia.
18. Having a friend invite another friend out to what you imagined to be a sweet one-on-one outing.
19. Not finding anyone you sufficiently hate to get involved on any of the current Real Housewives casts.
20. Getting a compliment on the clothing that you don’t really like that much, while the nice thing you spent so much money on goes completely unnoticed by everyone around you.
21. Going out of your way to do your hair nicely on a humid, rainy day.
22. Being dragged to a club and thus having to spend the majority of your night talking about how much you hate clubs.
23. Not being able to decide on a major at your otherwise awesome school.
24. Taco Bell no longer having the Cheesy Gordita Crunch.
25. Having people who overshare on our various social networks to the point where we’re almost perpetually in a state of trying not to make a sarcastic comment on it.
26. Not getting followed back on Twitter by someone who you are clearly so much more important than.
27. Having people repeatedly leave you messages on your voicemail even though you obviously do not listen to that shit and the technology itself is, let’s be honest, a little obsolete.
28. Going to a restaurant and ordering French fries, only to find that they are the limp, crust-less fries that just kind of feel like soggy worms in your mouth. (Or, worse, steak fries — which are basically an affront to everything our forefathers worked so hard to create.)
29. A live performance of one of your favorite songs simply not sounding as good as the studio version and you thus feeling slightly inauthentic for not appreciating the “raw” version of the artist.
30. Having a drastically lowered expectation of being married and settled at a young age leading to some of your peers being somewhat flaky when it comes to romantic commitment.
31. Finding out someone you’re really, really interested in dating thinks that Tucker Max is really funny and cool.
32. Being relegated to taking public transportation to your place of employment or study every day because a car isn’t financially feasible. Come on, it could be worse.
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They say laughter is the best medicine, and six months ago I found myself highly medicated, that is, I remembered how to laugh.
If we are not happy now with ourselves and what we are doing then what the hell makes us think that we will be happy or satisfied later?
I remember the grass tickling my bare legs and the stains on your shirt, and you smirking at my excitement before your tongue swirled pralines and cream into my mouth.
Second semester: I wonder how much coffee it would take to kill someone?