32 Mistakes We’re All Going To Make
1. Chasing after someone who never did, and never will, care about you in the same way.
2. Choosing to stay home on a night that ended up being an incredibly sweet adventure that everyone is going to talk about around you for the next 23409823409 years.
3. Going out when the evening ended up being a total bust and you spent the entire time sitting in the corner wishing you could be at home with your smart, sexy, loving laptop.
4. Agreeing to do a favor for someone that ends up being such an incredible hassle that you briefly consider ending the friendship just to be like, “Nope, sorry, this is ridiculous and I’m not doing it.”
5. Introducing two friends that end up getting along better together than you did with either.
6. Going out for a night on the town with a couple (and not one of those cool couples that doesn’t make you feel like a third wheel, we’re talking one of those couples that literally spends the entire time referencing things only they know about, kissing, and talking about how they need to find you a significant other).
7. Getting screwed over on rent because you don’t know a thing about the rental market in your new city.
8. Losing more time than you would like to admit watching a terrible reality show. (And perhaps even reading thoughtful articles condemning your reality show of choice, as some kind of strange intellectual atonement. “I know, I’m bad, I watch Honey Boo Boo. I’m directly contributing to the downfall of civilized society. Tell me how bad I am, Slate article. I need it.”)
9. Clicking on a link that you know is bogus, but you still kind of want to see the ~*~Hot Russian teacher show her ass to the class?!?!?! You can’t believe!!~*~.
10. Starting a diet that is by no means sustainable: “I’m just going to eat nothing but carrot sticks twice a day for two weeks and I’ll lose 20 pounds and then I will go back to my normal lifestyle but somehow keep those 20 pounds off indefinitely. This will work because of reasons.”
11. Booking a flight at 6 in the morning.
12. Not having the confidence or experience to negotiate yourself a proper salary or raise, and therefore getting seriously undervalued by your company until they eventually take enough pity on you to give you closer to what you’re worth.
13. Accidentally getting drunk the night before a really important event that you absolutely cannot be hungover for.
14. Choosing to procrastinate on an important project until you have to stay up all night chugging energy drinks and crying in the fetal position over how you’re never going to finish in time.
15. Drunk texting someone whose number you should have paid Leonardo DiCaprio to go into your mind at night and steal from your subconscious.
16. Buying something you can’t afford because you felt pressured and stressed under the henpecking gaze of the salesperson.
17. Obsessing over when someone is going to text you back to the point that you waste an entire night out checking your phone.
18. Engaging in a serious argument in the comment section of a website.
19. Ruining something while trying to cook dinner that you previously considered impossible to mess up, such as pasta.
20. Eating an entire package of something labeled “family size” in one sitting.
21. Buying something because its mail-in rebate makes it a really good deal, but never actually mailing in the rebate.
22. Having that last drink when you clearly should just be going home, and suffering greatly for it the next day.
23. Telling someone who most definitely cannot keep a secret to save their lives a relatively important secret.
24. Calling someone several times when they don’t answer which, when they actually get to their phone, makes you look like a crazy person.
25. Going to a club that you absolutely do not enjoy and spending egregious amounts of money on drinks simply because all of your friends/extended social group wanted to go because it met some nebulous criteria of “cool” in their minds.
26. Seeing your bank account after said night out and considering committing suicide to preserve your honor.
27. Saying something that sounds incredibly ignorant because you sincerely don’t know any better only to later realize how wrong and simple you sounded and be absurdly embarrassed.
28. When preparing for an expensive/important purchase, telling yourself that you are going to “really look around this time,” only to buy the first thing you see because it is shiny and pretty and you are thoroughly convinced.
29. Disclosing way too much information on a forum as public and irreversible as the internet.
30. Trying way too hard to impress someone who is never going to genuinely like you anyway.
31. Deciding that you are going to exercise and, because you are impatient, doing an insane amount of exercise the first day and getting so burned out that you decide you have met some imaginary quota and are not to do it again for the rest of the year.
32. Telling someone what they want to hear, because it means a lot to them and you don’t want to hurt their feelings, when really, all that does it make the eventual truth that much harder to swallow.
A | A | A
If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”