October 5, 2012

32 Embarrassing Things You’ll Do When You Live Alone

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What is the issue?

1. Watching terrible TV shows at top volume while you get unreasonably emotionally invested in what is going on. “Say yes to the dress!! SAY YES TO IT, BITCH.”

2. Cooking in your kitchen naked, which seems like an awesome idea until you realize how often you come in contact with scalding hot things during the cooking process.

3. Proceeding to eat whatever you made naked while sitting at your table.

4. Realizing how many meals can be successfully eaten in bed, and not considering the repercussions until you are literally sleeping on a pile of crumbs.

5. Grabbing things with your toes and transferring them to your hands instead of bending down to pick them up.

6. Having brief existential crises over how lazy one person can actually get, because it seems like the toe-grabbing thing must be near the top of that category.

7. Conducting interviews with yourself out loud, giving extremely humblebraggy answers, in preparation for the inevitable moment when you become an enormous celebrity/icon/hero.

8. Eating gross-yet-delicious food combinations that are an affront to civilized society. (If you’re here to judge me about my love of Hot Fries dipped in hummus, you can just leave right now.)

9. Beyond just singing in the shower, conducting full-scale operas while washing up with multiple voices, rich instrumentals, and out-of-nowhere guitar solos.

10. Dancing seductively in front of the mirror at length and marveling about how eminently bangable you are.

11. Standing directly in front of the refrigerator and eating out of it, as plates and cutlery are for people with way too much time on their hands.

12. Crying for basically no other reason than it feels really sweet to cry, or maybe you saw something really moving and emotional and profound, like a Snuggle commercial.

13. Getting drunk by yourself whilst browsing the internet and laughing maniacally at your computer screen.

14. Drunk solo photoboothing!

15. Rearranging things in your apartment because you feel that you could always have things placed in a slightly more sensical order, even though it always winds up looking exactly the same.

16. Allowing your eating schedule to become so backwards as to border on the surreal. “Oh, it’s 2:30 AM, time for breakfast! I don’t want to miss the lunch hour at 10 AM, followed by a snack-dinner that stretches on for two hours in the late afternoon.”

17. Eating an entire pint of Ben and Jerry’s in one sitting and not even giving a fuck.

18. Realizing the amount of activities that are made infinitely more enjoyable by being performed naked.

19. Starting to lose all sense of propriety with regards to what your neighbors might be able to see through your window.

20. Developing a special, almost spiritual relationship with the various delivery guys.

21. Thinking about how badly you want a pet, because at least having another living thing around to keep you company would somewhat delay the spiral into absolute insanity.

22. Killing plants.

23. Remaining in the same pajamas for such an extended period of time that you think the fabric might actually be adhering permanently to your skin.

24. Becoming extremely good at impromptu plates/bowls/utensils in case of laziness re: washing dishes. Eating cereal out of a tupperware bin with a ladle is more than acceptable now and again.

25. Getting into bouts of cleaning/organizing that seem to put into question your mental health.

26. Having to answer the door when you are in full “hermit” mode and have therefore not seen the business end of a brush or clean shirt in a few days.

27. Listening to music that even a 13-year-old scene girl would be embarrassed to admit to.

28. Choreographing dances to said music that you do repeatedly in front of your mirror until you briefly convince yourself that you could join the Russian Ballet if you put in a little effort.

29. Making a space on your bed all nice and comfy for your laptop and cuddling with it from time to time.

30. Constantly thinking of all the magical things you could do with this space you have all to yourself, including painting an accent wall, none of which you ever do.

31. Air-drying after a shockingly high percentage of showers.

32. Feeling sincerely afraid from time to time that you’ll never be able to live with another person again, because who would ever want to give up the immense liberation of being the creepy half-human, half-animal that you get to be when you live alone? TC mark

image – Shutterstock
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