25 Things You Need To Forget About
1. That stupid thing you said, like, four years ago that absolutely no one remembers except you. Running over it in your head again and again as you stare at the ceiling in your bedroom isn’t going to make it go away.
2. The fact that you don’t look as good when you first wake up as when you are all dressed up to go out. (I’m sure even Beyoncé has her relatively gross getting-out-of-bed moments, even if they’re 1098309823098235098 times more attractive than ours.)
3. How many calories were actually in something you already ate. You’ve eaten it, you’re digesting it, being upset about it isn’t going to make it any less retroactively delicious.
4. Getting photographed while out so that people know the next morning by looking at various social media that you “had fun” the night before.
5. Impressing someone on a date by saying things about yourself that you think they want to hear, instead of what you actually want to talk about/really think.
6. The major you chose not to pursue in college — you’ll never know what your life may have been like as a double Women’s Studies and Zoology major, and that’s okay.
7. Not being invited to something which you didn’t want to attend anyway (even if the “not being invited” part makes you briefly feel like you did want to go).
8. How much we are going out vs. what we imagine to be the “normal” or “right amount” to be socializing.
9. When someone gets engaged and you feel envious/left out (because being bitter and passive-agressive about someone else’s happiness doesn’t bode well for the day you might have something you want the people in your life to celebrate with).
10. The idea of owning a pet before you are financially, logistically, emotionally, or geographically ready to own one. Except fish, basically anyone can own a fish.
11. Whether or not someone shares your taste in music or movies. (It’s nice to enjoy the same pop culture as someone else, but mutually liking The Kills isn’t what makes or breaks a relationship.)
12. What someone else is doing with their professional life that doesn’t involve you in the least.
13. The irritating (yet benign) habits that older family members have. There might be a world of things we would change about them, but sometimes people are who they are. If that person likes to write embarrassing things on your status updates, so be it.
14. The fact that you cannot afford 99 percent of the clothes you see in magazines or upscale fashion blogs. (Don’t worry, no one can.)
15. The stupid names that other people are giving their children. Yes, your hipster friends may be calling their son “Denver,” or “Branch,” but that is simply not your cross to bear.
16. The fact that you cannot keep a plant in your home without murdering it. Some people were meant to grow beautiful, sprawling gardens of technicolor vegetation, and some people were meant to make flowers wilt just by looking at them. You may just be the latter.
17. Having a perfect apartment. (Interior design porn has only one purpose in life, and it is to make us feel inadequate because we don’t have 1200 dollars lying around to blow on cashmere shower curtains or whatever they buy.)
18. Who Taylor Swift is breaking up with this week.
19. What someone said about you behind your back — if someone wants to be petty, let them be petty. Constantly worrying about what people are saying when you’re not there is the only surefire way to immobilize yourself emotionally in 10 seconds flat.
20. The advantages you didn’t get in life by not being born into the Vanderbilt family. (Even though we all love you, Anderson Cooper. We know you check your privilege all the time.)
21. Maintaining a specific weight at all times to the pound. We all fluctuate, and obsessing over a few ounces isn’t going to help anything.
22. Not being as photogenic as someone else and scrolling through their photos to admire/resent how absolutely perfect they look.
23. That person on OKCupid who never messaged us back.
24. Your petty judgments about other people’s physical appearances. We all know how terrible it feels to be looked at harshly or feel like we’re not good enough, why do we still do it to other people over things as silly as the cut of their jeans?
25. The frenemy who was just simply not good for you and whom you no longer see. Their life has zero influence on yours, and it’s better that way.
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I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”
To begin, I got totally screwed over in the dental genes department. I was born with a pretty severe overbite and a mouth that was too small.