32 Things You Should Stop Caring About
1. Your ex. (Yes, really, once more with feeling.) Your ex.
2. Whether someone thinks that the literature, music, art, film, or any other kind of entertainment you enjoy isn’t cool.
3. When someone looks at the food you’re eating and comments on how it isn’t good for you. (THAT IS WHY I ORDERED CHILI FRIES BITCH PASS ME THE RANCH DRESSING)
4. What the people you don’t like post on their Facebook status (why are you even still friends with them?).
5. Getting/maintaining a tan.
6. Which celebrity’s breasts are exposed this week.
7. Which celebrity is cheating on which other celebrity.
8. The opinions of people who a) will never like you and b) have absolutely no bearing on your life.
9. Whether or not you look as good as some random, well-dressed stranger on the subway.
10. Who is making more money than you, or how much exactly you think that they are making.
11. The fact that you are perceived as not as sexually appealing as a picture of a celebrity or model that has been put through so many rounds of makeup and Photoshop as to be rendered little more than a cartoon.
12. Reality television stars, how much sex they are having (and with whom), and whether or not they decide to start a family.
13. Whether people you know are getting married, having children, or making big life changes when it either hasn’t happened to you yet or you don’t want it to happen at all.
14. The social lives of people who don’t invite you out places.
15. What negative thing a critic has to say about a film you really enjoyed.
16. The fact that friends are going to make harmless decisions that we wouldn’t necessarily make for ourselves. (They are there for your love and companionship, not to have another parent.)
17. What people are going to think about the clothes that we really enjoy wearing.
18. What someone might be saying behind your back (the answer is almost invariably that they aren’t even thinking about you).
19. The path that everyone else thinks that it would be “appropriate” or “practical” for you to take, especially if that path doesn’t make you happy.
20. Whether or not your hobbies, interests, or personality make you “masculine” or “feminine” enough.
21. How many followers you have on Twitter.
22. Being the only one without a significant other at a given event.
23. Having the same IKEA furniture as all your other 20-something friends who have IKEA furniture. We’re all in the IKEA furniture phase, okay? It doesn’t make us bad people.
24. Changing your personality when you hang out with someone who you can feel doesn’t like you.
25. Eating salads on dates. (Can I get this burger literally wrapped in bacon, please?)
26. Not being as well dressed as all of the beautiful models doing impossibly twee activities that people keep reblogging on Tumblr.
27. Not being found attractive by someone who is not even remotely worth your time.
28. Whether or not you cry during movies that are somewhat embarrassing to cry during, such as The Notebook. (Oh my god, but seriously, when they have to subdue her and Noah is crying and, oh my god, the feelings.)
29. Watching your former bullies become train wrecks via Facebook (though I will admit that that shit is pretty satisfying.)
30. Hitting your life milestones at the “right” moments.
31. Proving to people who aren’t willing to listen that you are an okay person who is happy and whole.
32. Trying to convince your friends/acquaintances to start watching Breaking Bad. If they’re not going to do it, it’s their loss, dude.
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You’re not nice, honey, you’re bitter.
If you can’t afford to tip. EAT. AT. HOME. In fact don’t eat at all. Go starve and die.
“GET OFF HER HAIR, IDIOT!”
I’m not made of porcelain and I’m not going to break if you use the wrong words or reveal yourself to be a terrible person.