Getting drunk as quickly as possible is not (at least not yet) your priority — you’ve got savoring to do. You might actually love the taste of a good beer, but come on, you also like how drinking it makes you look to other people. Admit it, you kind of get off on being “microbrew person” who knows their sh-t when it comes to hops and malt, and goes to tastings and whatnot in their spare time. If put under some kind of torture, you might admit to having said the phrase “beer is the new wine” at least once in your life. This isn’t about getting drunk, it’s about looking good.
You either think this looks really cool, which immediately means it isn’t, or you actually enjoy drinking these, which makes you so, so cool. It’s kind of the catch-22 of drink orders — you can never actually embrace the chill you possess with this choice, as it will completely evaporate if you do.
This is the drink that signifies that summer is officially here, and it’s time to enjoy it by drinking your alcohol in pitcher form. As it has the consistency and general flavor profile of a Slurpee, you are automatically able to justify the indulgence, as it’s almost more of a dessert than a real drink! Throw in some tortilla chips, and it’s basically a healthy meal! It’s summertime, and you’re not here to be judged.
You’re drinking at 10 AM and it is everything you imagined it could be.
Big-Name Domestic Beer
You’re here to Git-R-Done, and you are drinking this for one of three reasons: a) It’s on special and you can get a literal wheelbarrow’s worth of beer for 2 dollars, b) You’re drinking it “ironically,” in which case someone should just take you out back and put you out of your misery right now, b) You’re a real-life bro who just enjoys a good Miller Lite every now and again, even though it’s an objectively horrible beer. In any case, the night has officially begun.
Someone clearly needs to put down the Mad Men for five minutes. Don’t be that guy.
Okay, I hate to play the gender game here, but let’s be real — you’re probably a girl, and you probably have a flutter of “OMG, SATC” in your head as you clink these bad boys with your girlfriends. You’re clearly in for the long haul tonight, because as we know, those drinks offer the absolute worst ratio in terms of money spent and hangover accrued. They cost, what, at least 10 bucks a pop, and are just corn syrup and grain alcohol — they’re essentially what you’d drink out of a giant cooler at a frat party, only put in a fancy glass with a piece of fruit a toothpick. You know where the night is headed after these.
Umm, you’re a WASPy 45-year-old blonde woman wearing pearls, or you’re aspiring to be one someday.
No matter in what form you’re drinking your bubbles — bought in a magnum for your table at the club, or sipped while glaring at others as you languish by the bar — admit it, you’re kind of bougie. Tonight is your night to just judge the f-ck out of everyone who walks by you, flirt with the 90th percentile of hot people on the premises, and only dance to the best songs that come on. It is the night to pretend you’re at least 30 percent better than you actually are.
Often pronounced “vokka shots,” this is undeniably the entry into the part of the night where things are getting just a little bit too awesome, and you might have to start screaming at the DJ to play a certain song. These shots mean that you’re ready to take things next-level, and you’re not embarrassed to be the first person in the bar to initiate things — the first person to propose vokka shots is clearly the one who is grabbing this evening out by the balls.
“I read books. Big ones, with no pictures.”
Vodka Red Bulls
Well, I mean, if these are your drink of choice, you’re just an enormous bro. You have probably watched Jersey Shore unironically and like getting your picture taken by party photographers. But even if you don’t usually go for a VRB, a simple order of one immediately conveys that you’re fresh out of coke but are still determined to dance all night long, until you’re just a moving body mass of sweat and embarrassment. By the way, if anyone actually does have any coke, you could totally go for some — but if not, it’s no big deal. Just asking.
Long Island Iced Tea
That sh-t is gross beyond imagination, and you should feel bad about yourself. I mean really, who decided that they were going to take Jager — the most cough medicine-y of the already extremely medicinal world of alcohol, and mix it with Red Bull, which is amongst the most cloyingly sugary of all mixers? Why don’t we just hold a funnel into each other’s mouths and pour sacks of cane sugar down our throats? You know what? Get out of the bar.
A Bottle of Grey Goose
Hey, girl, why don’t you come hang out at the VIP table? You look good, girl.
This is the funeral for any hope you once had at the night ending well, at a reasonable hour, or without at least one soul-crushing mistake. You’re just getting in a few gulps of liquid courage before you a) Grind by yourself on the platform while no one watches, b) Text your ex to ask if they still think about you sometimes, or c) Pull someone aside to tell them how much you just love them, man. If you’re the one ordering tequila shots around 1 in the morning, people should stay the hell away from you, because you’ll fight anyone, you don’t even give a f-ck.