5 Things You Have To Do This Weekend
1. Day drink.
It is summer (more or less), time to sit out in the sun and baste yourself like a turkey while you sip on something fresh and light, and deceptively sweet enough to hide its absolutely brutal alcohol content. And frankly, I don’t care if it’s pouring buckets outside, you sit by the nearest window and make yourself a pitcher of something delicious — if you have friends coming over to share it with, all the better, but if not, f-ck it! It’s warm outside, you can justify the whole pitcher for yourself. Go on Tumblr and reblog your friend’s pictures with witty commentary, or go on Facebook and make a semi-snide remark on that-person-from-high-school-you-don’t-care-about’s status — then it’s like you’re not alone at all! Now is the time of year to get so drunk by six in the evening that you sort of wonder whether you should take a disco nap and then eat dinner at 10 like a Spaniard, or just call it a day and pass out in a lawn chair with a hat on your face. However it ends up, it’s incredibly classy in that Absolutely Fabulous-esque way, and we all deserve to go chill out with the sun for a while and sip on a grown-up Slurpee.
2. Catch up on a series.
Once you’re done sipping yourself into a 60s housewife oblivion in the afternoon, treat yourself to one or 2328959359874509 episodes of that awesome show you have not gotten around to watching. I haven’t seen Game of Thrones yet, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to spend a solid 10 hours just sitting in front of my computer, utterly riveted, occasionally pausing to get some more Funyuns and Yoo Hoo (the movie-snack preference of demigods and medieval royalty). There has just been so much quality television going on that we all owe it to ourselves to lose an entire day on while we wrap ourselves in a blanket and remain blissfully sedentary. Which one do you need to catch up on? Mad Men? True Blood? Breaking Bad? Why not all three — you can just quit your job and retreat from society and the rest of your life will be one enormous weekend where you just watch all of the good TV you’ve been too busy for having things like “a life” and “friends.” Pfft. We can at least start with this weekend, let’s get some quality lazy time in.
3. Linger in bed.
Speaking of quality lazy time, I think we all owe it to ourselves to spend at least several hours past the acceptable “getting up” time on Sunday just kind of lolling back and forth like a mid-90s heroin chic model on a pile of money/cocaine. We need to let the sun melt in through the window, keep moving on top of and under the sheets for that perfect combination of warm and cool, and throw our phone against a wall if anyone dares call us. If you can do this with someone else, all the better. Keep talking about all the things you guys should get up and do, but keep getting sucked back into the spooning position like the bed is made out of molasses and you guys are a couple of horny, sweaty flies. You and the bed have some serious catching up to do, don’t let you two become strangers.
4. Finally go to that god damn farmer’s market.
How long have we been telling ourselves that we should start getting legitimate food that actually came from the ground, and make things out of it that look like they came from some overpriced “lifestyle magazine” that makes us feel bad about ourselves? How long have we been trying to get our grown-up sh-t together and make the trek down to the market to scoop up some berries we forgot even existed outside of Kool-Aid and flavored vodka? Forever, man. And yes, it means you’ll have to actually get up at a decent hour one of the two weekend days, but man, it is so worth it. You go there, surrounded by corn and watermelons and chickens that actually lived something resembling a decent life, and people carrying these fancy baskets and talking to the people who actually grew their food and you’re just like, “Damn. Maybe I’m a human being after all.” And don’t get me wrong, you can totally go back to your alcohol-and-quesadillas routine as soon as you’re done, but it’s nice to feel in touch with the earth every once in a while. Plus, the very hottest crunchy-granola bros are always there, sipping some infused water and prowling the veggie stall. Go ask them about their tattoos, they love it.
5. Go dancing.
It doesn’t matter if you’re standing in your room by yourself listening to “Call Me Maybe” long after we have decided that we are done with it as a society (and we have, God, please let us be done with it), just do it. We are perpetually talking about how we want to dance, we want to learn to dance, we wish we could meet people who liked dancing, we need to take some dance lessons, who likes to salsa, I just wanna let go and dance on a bar tonight, I’m just trying to grind against some dude’s crotch with a vodka soda in my hand while giving everyone the finger, etc — yet we never do it. We talk about it, but we so rarely do it. So above all, let’s all dedicate a little time this weekend to just move our asses back-and-forth to some kind of rhythm and actually enjoy it without feeling self conscious about how awkward and/or “tragically white” we look. And if you can find hot guys who unironically wear fedoras and are incredible salsa dancers while you’re at it, all the better. (And if you do, please forward them my information. Sharing is the right thing to do.)
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The time I recognized my human privilege in the face of a mind controlled Stone Giant whose people had been enslaved for 1,000 years.
My hands were numb but I pushed the shortcut to my mom’s cell phone. No service at 30,000 feet. “Call me ASAP,” I wrote, and pushed send. Delivery Failure.
Used with permission from Honest Slogans. 1. Pizza Hut 2. Candy Crush 3. Target 4. Best Buy 5. Apple 6. America Online 7. Hot Pockets 8. Waffle House 9. Lego 10. Adobe 11. Hulu 12. Wii 13. Subway 14.
When I was a kid, I dreamed of my mid-20s. Seriously, you remember those awkward moments of junior high, high school, and even college when you just thought, “Goddamnit, I wish I were a real adult,” right?