1. When you get into a car with vinyl seating and you immediately adhere to every surface accompanied by the soft sound of sizzling bacon, and you are reminded how much you hate everything.
2. Bugs deciding that every inch of your exposed skin is the perfect place to host their week-long music festival.
3. Having to pretend like you’re interested in purchasing various items in every other store you pass even though you have ~zero dollars in your account right now, simply so you can soak up that sweet, sweet AC.
4. Spending an entire morning doing your hair, only to have it meet the humidity at the door and poof up on all sides like some giant, fuzzy head-umbrella.
5. Rejecting 99 percent of your clothes simply because they cover more than the bare minimum amount of body parts to make you acceptable in society.
6. Public transportation taking on the general conditions of a terrarium.
7. Makeup melting down your face, making you look something like a sad clown from a velvet painting.
8. Having to decide between an ice-cold drink which promptly turns into a soup of ice-water and whatever your drink was supposed to be, or a lukewarm drink that keeps its taste but has none of the essential ice.
9. Enjoying about 10 minutes of outdoor exposure before becoming a giant abstract painting of sweat stains and unintentionally see-through clothing.
10. A forehead shiny enough to down passing commercial jets.
11. Debating sticking your head in the freezer or taking the 4th cold shower of the day, and it’s not even noon yet.
12. All of the extra empty calories you are inevitably taking in now that your liquid diet is 70 percent margaritas, daiquiris, and mojitos.
13. When you think you have that sexy summer glow going on while dancing at a party, but then you catch a glimpse of yourself in a reflective surface and are like, jk, I look like a swamp creature.
14. Farmer’s tan, which unless accompanied by a dozen acres of actual farmland, just makes you look like an asshole.
15. Cutting the corners of your mouth open on ice pops, the facial equivalent of stepping on a Lego.
16. Sticky sheets from sweating on yourself in the evening — yeah, you can’t even blame these on hot sex, you’re just gross.
17. Every bad smell being multiplied at least ten-fold.
18. “Summer jams” being overplayed until the opening notes of them make you want to kill yourself right where you’re standing.
19. Not being able to eat anything served over room temperature.
20. The unbelievable people who actually seem to look good and somewhat sexy in jungle-like heat, while you’re standing on the street like a melting wax statue, just waiting for the heat to kill you already.
21. When it’s too hot to even have sex, and someone trying to spoon with you makes you feel like you’re being suffocated by a thousand molten-hot pillows.
22. The nights when thinking of something to do makes you too hot, so you all just sit there and kind of turn into puddles on the curb, waiting for something to do.
23. Hangovers somehow being turned up to 11.
24. When you step outside at 8 a.m. and it already feels like the inside of a locker room and you’re like, damn, this does not bode well for the rest of the day.
25. When you remember, lol jk I have zero pride, and would totally sleep with someone for even temporary access to a pool.
A | A | A
I look at the empty chair
My hand would have been on your thigh
I would be kissing you
1. Everything becomes normal if you do it long enough.
My Uncle Took Me On A Weird Bird Watching Trip And It Turned Out To Be Something Completely Different
“Alright boys, this is it,” my uncle said as the other two guys started unloading a bunch of supplies.
I will never EVER be a nanny again.