Let’s face it, we are incredibly sexy. Everything we do, from walking down the street, to squeezing avocados for ripeness, to watching The Biggest Loser in our Forever Lazies, is incredibly suave and attractive. And no one typifies that general sensuality more than James Bond, Sofia Vergara, and myself. In my mind, I ooze charm and coolness — there is never an occasion in which I’m not a wink and a subtle nod away from going home with seven European male models. In my mind. Unfortunately, from what I can gather — from candid photos, seeing others, and the unforgiving regard of passersby — I may not quite be as hottt as I imagine.
Activity: Listening to a smooth song on my iPod as I saunter down the street
How I Think I Look: Damn. Get it, girl. Work those hips. Yeah, they’re all staring at you. They want it, oh, they want it, but they’ll never get it. Even those gay men, even that fire hydrant by the tree — they all wish they could go home with you, girl. I bet they’re thinking, “What sexy-ass song is that girl listening to that’s making her hips shake like that? She looks like a young Naomi Campbell with that model walk!”
How I Actually Look: “Ummm, is that rhinoceros aware of how loud she’s stomping?”
Activity: Entering hour 2 of a heated dance-floor session
How I Think I Look: Capturing the lights like this, damn, they should put me in a music video. I just feel so in touch with my body, so in touch with everything around me. I feel like I could just dance for the rest of my life and I’d be happy. There’d be no wars. This, what I’m doing right here, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I’m so sexy! I just feel so alive, so free, I could marry this stranger I’m grinding on. GOD I’M SO YOUNG AND ALIVE.
How I Actually Look: “That girl’s face looks like a melting Dali painting. Someone should hand her a moisty towel. Also, she’s going to get pregnant if she dances any closer to that guy in the wifebeater.”
Activity: Kissing my boyfriend on a street corner
How I Think I Look: Ahh, l’amour. Young love at its very finest, how we just capture the very essence of what it means to be free, beautiful, and interested in one another. Those demure little pecks on the nose, that romantic swoop into his arms, that endless look into each others’ eyes that tells the other — nay, the world at large — how very much we were meant to be together. Mwah mwah mwah.
How I Actually Look: “Yikes, I hope those two are up to date on all their vaccinations.”
Activity: Taking pictures of myself while out with girlfriends
How I Think I Look: Hehehehe! God, we are so effing adorable! 1, 2, 3, KISSY FACE! Mwah. What should we do next, you guys? Oh my God, how about a duck face? I know, that’s so gross but, like, we know how gross it is so it would be ironic! Christ, we are so ORIGINAL.
How I Actually Look: “Some people don’t have enough food and those girls own a camera. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.”
Activity: Spending a Friday night in
How I Think I Look: This is so precious, all curled up in my little crocheted blankie, eating my little pint of Haagen Dazs and catching up on some old Mad Men. Gotta get ready for that new season! I should really do this more often, it’s so much better to take care of myself once again instead of fighting a bunch of skeezers out at the bar. Hmm, I think this calls for a little solo photobooth! Better show everyone how cute this is.
How I Actually Look: “OMNOMNOMNOM garble garble NOMNOM *burp* *fart* *belly scratch* I’m not putting on sweatpants… what is this, the Ritz? Screw that, my window faces an abandoned lot, no one cares if I’m naked from the waist down. What can I dip in this Nutella? TRICK QUESTION LOL my fingers.”