Husband Material, Vol. 5: Jon Hamm
While everyone, including Sir Hamm himself, has long since accepted that Jon Hamm doesn’t actually exist — he is simply a fleshy pink vessel for one Don Draper — it does not stop the man who embodies such a character from being some serious, serious husband material. While, no, technically you will not be marrying Don Draper, you can rest assured that you are marrying a man both sexy and intuitive enough to bring to life such an incredible character (and make us lust for him, despite his apparent lack of a soul).
And as Jonnycakes has demonstrated with his appearances on SNL and films like Bridesmaids, he’s no stranger to a little low-brow comedy when the occasion calls for it. If you’re not currently aware of a little gem called “Jon Hamm’s John Ham,” I respectfully request you head on over to your nearest video website and check it out. And while you may spend your deliriously happy matrimonial years insisting he wear a suit and drink rye on the rocks, there is nothing that Mr. Hamm won’t do to make you happy. I promise.
Name: Jon Hamm
Age: 40 (Damn, he looks good.)
Occupation: Bringer back of all things tailored, restrained, and delightfully devoid of conscience.
Description: Hamm, having gotten his start in small movie roles way back when, as well as being a brief acting teacher for the world’s luckiest 8th-grade class, finally struck Hollywood gold as the delectable anti-hero of Mad Men. He is also, it must unfortunately be added, one-half of what seems to be a stable, loving marriage to actress and screenwriter, Jennifer Westfeldt. We can only assume, though, that anyone cool enough to snag the Hammburgler is someone more than cool enough to share.
Benefits to Marriage: While marriage to Hamm would clearly include invites and cred at all the most exclusive Hollywood parties where people come from miles away to fawn over his performance, his depth, and his shiny little side-part, it would also involve a lot of cuddling. Something about that hard-wrought role where he has to pretend not to care (as well as those adorable glimpses into his range which show that he most certainly does) would likely leave JonJon with a dire need to spoon. You could be that lucky little spoon. That could be you.
Drawbacks: He is clearly contractually obligated to have simulated sex with about 1903982308 gorgeous women per episode, so let’s hope you’re not the jealous type.
You Must Be: Willing to travel, comfortable with the smell of herbal cigarettes, and not made uncomfortable with him being in the same room as Christina Hendricks.
The Dowry Jon Brings: 100 acres of the most strong cornfields in southern California, 76 potbellied sows, a large barn ready to be painted by a loving couple, and 134 cartons of fake Lucky Strikes.
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You break it to them as softly as can. They immediately beg you to stay.
As much as I appreciate someone telling me to keep my chin up when going through a hard time, I’m fairly certain I’d rather them let me punch dance out my rage in their backyard.
At their biological core, men are ruled by sexuality. They identify potential mates using their eyes first, while women take a more complicated approach.
You probably thought I was going to recommend Orange Is The New Black but I’m not.