10 Disney Princes And Whether Or Not You Should Marry Them
1. Prince Charming, Cinderella
Arguably the original Prince, the one whose romantic decision-making skills rest largely on whether or not your foot is cute, Charming presents the kind of guy you should only be with if you are looking to move up socially. Most similar to a real Prince, in that he’s suffering from intense family pressure to marry, and he’s definitely not interested in being seen with your ugly sisters, it seems logical that a girl looking to get a nice-sized ring put on it would choose Charming. But beware, as a guy so easily swayed by his foot fetish is likely not going to hold out well in the long-term, what with calluses and everything.
Husband Material Rating: 6/10
2. Beast, Beauty and the Beast
I know that some of you take your issues with the Beast and his willingness to submit the village bettie to Stockholm Syndrome so easily, but give the guy a break. You’ve been locked in a gothic castle for 20-some years with a bunch of singing furniture, you tell me you won’t take the first thing that walks by your front yard and make it come play some card games with you, even against their will. Regardless of problematic plot points, though, all is inherently forgiven the second he gives that girl a library. Come on, a library. And then as if that weren’t enough, he almost dies for her, and turns into this super-hot guy with that whole sexy Renaissance long-hair look. Keeper if I’ve ever saw one.
Husband Material Rating 10/10
3. Aladdin, Aladdin
As we all know, the best bread is by far some market bread, freshly stolen by the hot, shirtless town thief and his sassy monkey. Though it’s never fully explained why he was so politically opposed to a shirt, but a firm advocate of the tiny purple vest, we’re not here to judge the boy’s fashion sense. I know he essentially used limitless world power to woo a less personable Kim Kardashian, but I remain a firm believer that if he’d gotten her sooner, he would have done something slightly more productive with his wishes. Also, unlimited carpet rides, if you know what I mean, ladiesssss.
Husband Material Rating 7/10
4. Robin Hood, Robin Hood
While it’s clear that, if he were around today, Robin Hood would be the most insufferable of all the Occupy Wall Street protesters, seeing him in his adorable forest context makes you forget his half-baked political ideologies. The guy knew his way around a bow and arrow, he wasn’t afraid to stick it to that pretentious fop of a king, and he carried around satchels of gold coins — by far the most badass way to transport your money. Plus, let’s be honest, the guy was a total fox. (AMIRITE?! AMIRITE?!)
Husband Material Rating: 5/10
5. John Smith, Pocahontas
Imagine that one really super bigoted, ignorant, conservative white-guy in your sociology class who’s just such an enormous ass about everything and you’re forced to explain the most basic concepts to him. Like, he’s the one insisting being gay is a choice and the Native Americans were best friends with the pilgrims. Now, after you explain everything to him, he’s surprisingly receptive and learns to accept that the world around him isn’t just one giant Denny’s. But this is, of course, after a semester of painful coaxing and cajoling. But the thing is, he’s incredibly hot. Is this worth it to you? Probably not.
Husband Material Rating: 3/10
6. Li Shang, Mulan
Professional panty dropper from ancient China, Shang, is the kind of man that will whip a troop of nerds into shape and then turn around and semi-fall in love with what he clearly thinks is a guy. He’s a Renaissance man in every sense of the world, and isn’t going to let a silly thing like gender presentation get in the way of wanting to nail the most admirable of his soldiers. Not to mention, when we don’t have to look at Donny Osmond, his singing voice is like warm butter melting over your ears. Mysterious as the dark side of the mooooon, indeed.
Husband Material Rating: 9/10
7. Prince Eric, The Little Mermaid
Trying my best not to be influenced by his adorable Old English Sheepdog, it must be said that Eric is fairly lame as far as Princes go. Sure, he’s rich and has a sweet castle on the beach and what is hands-down the nicest dining room in Disney history, but what Prince doesn’t have tons of material stuff? What makes Eric such a disappointment is how inactive he is throughout the whole thing. Even a troupe of singing waterfowl wasn’t enough to get him to make out in the boat, he thinks that the evil singing brunette is his girl when the one who saved him was CLEARLY a ginger, and he remains largely indecisive about everything through the story. And let’s be honest, would you really trust a guy who’s ready to marry a girl who’s literally never spoken to him after at least 10 dates? No, you wouldn’t.
Husband Material Rating: 2/10
8. Prince Naveen, The Princess and the Frog
Alright, so you won’t be getting the fortune that normally comes with marrying a prince, but you will be getting a guy that is both super beautiful and willing to give up that beauty to live with you as a frog, if the occasion calls for it. A frog, in a part of America that regularly eats frogs. He’s that into it. And while he is a little high-maintenance, if you’re willing to put in a little work, that penny will shine up bright and new — just in time for you two to go in together on a charming diner and become that cute old couple that runs a restaurant. Who doesn’t want that?
Husband Material Rating: 8/10
9. Hercules, Hercules
Anyone who would choose Meg is good enough for me, hands down, but if you needed another reason — talk about marrying into a good family. Who doesn’t want Rip Torn as your all-powerful father, and a flying horse for transportation? Come on. Not to mention, this pretty packaged packed a pair of pretty pecs. You’ve really won at life if your husband has his face plastered all over Athens and is followed by a Greek chorus that zestily outline his exploits. Who doesn’t want that little short one to emphasize all the funny things you do? No one.
Husband Material Rating: 9/10
10. Tarzan, Tarzan
Let’s be real for a second, Tarzan probably doesn’t smell super good. That whole “rugged wild man” charm only goes so far — at least Bear Grylls takes a shower once in a while. Be that as it may, there are certainly fewer things more appealing than a man who can surf his way around a jungle canopy while wrestling panthers and looking at you with big brown eyes behind some solid white boy dreadlocks. He’s the ultimate gross hippy that’s so hot it kind of works for him, and I’m sure we could all find the patience to teach him his table manners if he promised to continue wearing a loincloth. These are the kinds of compromises one must make in any good Disney marriage.
Husband Material Rating: 7/10
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The world is a scary, scary place.
11. They are allowed to do whatever they please on their birthday, and you are a Debra (which is worse than a simple Debbie Downer) if you say otherwise.
Joie, 56: The first time the pretty boys called me ma’am. Amelia, 54: When my first child was born, followed closely by the second.
Relationships don’t fill a void or affix an emotional band-aid on your pain. Relationships aren’t the missing piece to your fulfillment.