Husband Material, Vol. 4: Michael Fassbender And James McAvoy
Welcome to a very special, polyamorous edition of Husband Material. As you may have already deduced, this volume’s suitors are none other than the sexual-tension riddled duo of X-Men First Class. It was clear to anyone watching the film that Charles Xavier and Erik Lensherr (aside from being the saving grace of that otherwise mediocre film — January Jones continuing her fine tradition of acting by standing still and not blinking) were clearly in the middle of some kind of romance to which the audience was only semi-privy. And though Fassbender and McAvoy are still ostensibly heterosexual in their day-to-day lives, they make just too perfect a couple not to take under our wing and into our homes as 2-for-1 Husband Material.
Names: Michael Fassbender and James McAvoy
Ages: 34 and 32, respectively
Occupations: While Fassbender peppers his acting career with charming interviews in German and English while he smiles that sharky, sharky smile, McAvoy exponentially increases his sex appeal by frequently engaging in philanthropy while on down-time from acting.
Description: Aside from the aforementioned shark smile and bilingualism, Fassbender is an actor capable of playing a variety of roles, from sexy soldier torn apart by Nazi Germany, to sexy drifter torn apart by Nazi Germany. McAvoy, a specialist in all things foppish and delightfully Victorian, maintains an impressive resume of stealing women’s hearts while wearing ascots and waistcoats. Together they represent the eternal yin and yang of modern masculinity, and will be happy to alternate on your errands and household duties as they trade jokes and pat each other gently on the butt.
Benefits To Marriage: Like all good things — from the pre-cocaine Olsen twins to Reese’s Cups — good things come in pairs. To become Mrs. FassAvoy (or, possibly, McBender if you like yourself a glass of wine now and again) means to become part of a veritable Hollywood dynasty that will begin with you. Your charming, restrained, multilingual, cultured, extremely-informed-about WWII children would be the cream of the crop, and you would never want for a strapping lad to shovel the driveway when it snows.
Drawbacks: There are no drawbacks to Fassbender, though McAvoy is a bit short, from what I’ve seen. Feel free to make McAvoy sit on Fassbender’s shoulders.
You Must Be: Open to polygamy, the jealousy of others, and the likely possibility of a Sister Wives-esque reality show starring your family.
The Dowry Fassavoy Brings: 10 sturdy cows, a field full of ready-to-shear sheep, 30 hectares of rich soil, and the knowledge that they will turn into Patrick Stewart and Sir Ian McKellen one day.
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He’d laugh when you tell him you need to tweet and he’d just roll his eyes when you scroll through your newsfeed before bed.
Guys need to relearn who women really are.
Esquire just posted a list called “12 Authors Every Man Must Know.” With entries like Stephen King and Philip Roth, it was the most phoned-in list I’ve read recently…
I could feel the effort, I could feel the emotion, and it made me happy.