October 25, 2011

Things Pretty People Shouldn’t Do

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What is the issue?

Life is tough for all of us, that we know. We all accept, for the most part, that at certain moments life is just going to be kind of… not that awesome. For everyone. And we’re all allowed our errant moments of complaining and we will indulge each other’s fantasies that the universe is, indeed, pre-destined — and it is destined against us. But if you are beautiful, attractive, lovely, aesthetically pleasing, or any other variant of nice to look at — there are certain things that you just shouldn’t do when in the presence of us general losers. Things you should pay attention to, if you will. And, for your convenience, I’ve compiled an easy-to-follow list of things to just avoid in polite conversation.

Don’t complain about getting hit on. I understand that perhaps, if you struck genetic gold and look totally bang-able even if you stumbled out of your apartment in jeggings and a Snuggie, it might seem like the whole entire world is out to have sex with you at all times. But the truth is, even the most homely of girls will get cat-called and lip-smacked at by the less-than-discerning masses of blue-collar workers and teenage boys. A convenience store attendant calling you “pretty girl?” Yeah, that happens to literal bridge trolls, provided they are in possession of female genitalia. If your complaints are about that kind of attention — join the club. If you’re more referring to the offers of free drinks, leniency on small tickets and fines, and general smiles and compliments from everyone around you–enjoy it while it lasts, and stop complaining about it.

Don’t put up pictures of yourself with captions like “Ughhhh looking so gross today, just woke up!!” Look, you’re not fooling anyone. We all know what we do with pictures of us that we’re actually embarrassed about. We de-tag ourselves with the speed and urgency of a Japanese Bullet Train and judge the living hell out of whatever fake friend dared to present that abomination to the masses with our names attached. We do not put them on our blogs with humblebraggy, faux-self deprecating tags on them. You look good, you’re just wearing sweatpants and have your hair in a messy bun. We get it, you look good ten seconds after you wake up. Go away.

Stop implying you didn’t get jobs because of how beautiful you are. Fine, I’ll accept this actually maybe happens occasionally — you have the unfortunate luck of running into the one person both petty and short-sighted enough not to hire the otherwise most-capable-for-the-job-in-every-way candidate just because they were intimidatingly good-looking. Maybe that happened to you — I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. But if it did, honestly, you dodged a bullet. Would you really want to work for someone like that? No. So stop.

Stop talking about how society is judging/ being mean to you. You know who gets negatively, unfairly judged on their appearance? Burn victims, the physically handicapped, the morbidly obese, the elderly, and many other groups. Not you. If someone is the kind of person who sees a handsome man or beautiful woman and thinks, “They must have an IQ of 84, as God never gives with both hands,” they are both an idiot and the kind of person who makes those judgments about everyone. I’m sure they think all ugly people are criminals and all fat people are compulsive liars… or something along those lines.

Don’t accuse women of not being your friend because of how beautiful you are. Hey, wouldn’t that be so awesome if we could blame our lack of friends on something as simple, concise, and not-our-fault as our physical appearance? Uh, yeah, no. If women consistently don’t want to hang out with you and people constantly accuse you of being vapid or shallow, maybe it’s because you’re really unfortunate to be around because of your incredibly inflated ego and sense of self-importance? And those guy friends that are so awesome to hang out with and non-judgmental? They’re waiting to weasel their way into a friend-bang so they can brag about it for a while and stop having to nod along to your stories. Just so you know.

Here’s the thing: It would be cool if this stuff didn’t matter, it really would. But, unlike what Elmo, Oprah, and the Tumblr community would have you believe, we’re not all beautiful. Sure, we’re all “beautiful” in the abstract sense of the word, but in the scientific-facial-symmetry and babies-smile-at-pictures-of-you-in-weird-studies way, we’re not all equally good looking. And that’s fine! There are many qualities that are way cooler than being attractive, and they aren’t ripped so mercilessly off our faces as we age. But for the time being, when you have that physical beauty, it is an advantage in almost every discernible way. You know this, we know this, everyone knows this. But the thing is — you didn’t do anything to earn your jackpot in the genetic lottery. Those of us — the normal, everyday people — we are very aware of your sheer luck and know how nice it would be if we had it. There’s no need to rub it in everyone’s faces as you find something to complain about. Accept that you got a little leg up, and work on every other quality God didn’t sprinkle over your face at birth. If you can. TC mark

image – Elizabeth Albert
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