Husband Material, Vol. 2: Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Whether you were into it when he had that greasy center part on Third Rock From the Sun, or you only started loving him when you saw what a vast cardigan collection he owns in 500 Days of Summer, there is no denying that JGL is the soft-spoken, completely above-average actor that makes bespectacled girls everywhere go unffffff. He is the pinnacle of gentle, understated male beauty and charisma, he chooses his roles very wisely, and you didn’t hear this from me — but homeboy speaks French. Yeah, French.
So if you are tired of the pretentious, pretty boy artist types who will love you and leave you when they catch a good glimpse of themselves in the mirror — I’m looking at you James Franco — and you are looking to get that dowry and settle down with a nice hipster dreamboat, there could be no better choice than one Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Name: Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Occupation: Actor, musician, traveler, giver of interviews that make you just want to pinch his cheeks and go “eeeeeeee”
Description: Joseph is that rare but beautiful combination of all of the essential ingredients to be a Hollywood playboy and the “aw, shucks” demeanor of a band geek getting complimented by a pretty girl. His sheepish smiles and dimples you could eat cereal out of bring to mind a sweet, humble boy-next-door who shoots people upside-down inside your dreams sometimes. Joseph has chosen roles that at once show his strong acting chops and make us fall in love with his sweaters. So, so many sweaters. He brings to mind the kind of guy that would look for the perfect pumpkin on a crisp fall day, and lend you his scarf when it got a little nippy. He would also bring you cider.
Benefits To Marriage: Joseph would love you dearly and be extremely respectful to your parents, possibly bringing them bundt cakes on Sunday family dinners together. He would also share with you his love for New Wave French cinema, and bring you into a world of critical acclaim, commercial success, and what I imagine are occasional brunches with John Lithgow.
Drawbacks: You will be kissing the lips that once kissed Zooey Deschanel. All the Clorox in the world won’t be able to scrub the twee off you.
You Must Be: Interested in thoughtful movies, willing to listen to his music projects, and occasionally open to helping with his French.
The Dowry Joseph Brings: 40 hectares of fertile soil near the riverbed, 25 of his family’s fuzziest alpacas, 2 roosters, and about three days worth of boyish chin stubble.
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Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”
To begin, I got totally screwed over in the dental genes department. I was born with a pretty severe overbite and a mouth that was too small.
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.