As we all know, I am a big fan of marriage. I just love everything about it. It’s traditional, it’s a little irrational, and it’s awesome. I don’t want to hear the cold, hard rationalism you’re trying to sprinkle over my world — you can take that shit over to Reason magazine and have a self-congratulation contest while you explain why unicorns don’t exist. Whatever. Here, we’re allowed to indulge our fantasies and foster that stack of vintage bridal magazines under the bed.
And here, in my new series, Husband Material, exclusively on Thought Catalog, I’ll be presenting my prime selections for marriage. They have been raised to the finest point of ripeness and are ready to pluck off the vine of singledom and crushed under the old gypsy woman feet of matrimony into a fine, fine wine. They embody everything that is required in a perfectly acceptable suitor, and even come with customized, valuable dowries. They are the epitome of a gentleman, and where better to start than with the man who makes awkward hipster girls everywhere… humid, Ryan Gosling?
Name: Ryan Gosling
Occupation: Actor, Thinker, Wearer of Fashionable Yet Non-Threatening Blazers
Description: Ryan, having gotten his start on the Mickey Mouse Club, was seemingly pre-destined for fame by being that perfect combination of attractive, yet relatable. He’s not that young Brad Pitt kind of attractive, where they’re so good looking it’s like staring into the surface of the sun. No, Ryan has the sheepish grin and long features of someone you could actually see yourself kind of dating. He’s soft spoken, likes to break up street fights, is just muscular enough, and does one indie movie for every two moneymakers — a good ratio. Also, admit it, you love him in The Notebook. He is a man capable of making James Marsden look like pigeon feces, he is a man of honor.
Benefits to Marriage: Being with Ryan would mean being respected/ admired by everyone from the screaming cadavers on the E! network, all the way down to your insufferable, pretentious roommate. Ryan would provide you with indie cred, universal access, and fuzzy cardigans.
Drawbacks: You’re always going to know you came after Regina George.
You Must Be: Willing to travel, willing to sit through a lot of tiny film festivals, willing to accept that every other girl on the planet would stab you in the eye with a nail file just to get a chance to shake hands with your husband. Also, no cats.
The Dowry Ryan Brings: 40 of his father’s sturdiest goats, 3 of his most milky cows, 60 acres of fertile soil, and about a billion deep-V American Apparel shirts.