Are you a 20-to-30-something white, creative male? Are you left perusing the glitter-and-Pocky sprinkled remains of your life? Was your last relationship with an ethereal, oddly attractive and charmingly unemployed girl wearing Victorian doll dresses—more succinctly, the Manic Pixie Dream Girl? Did she ease you out of your shy, nebbishy persona into a life filled with running through traffic, drinking microwbrews on rooftops, and talking about Nietzche during sex?
Did it end badly?
Well, turn off the Morrisey and get down to your local strip mall. We have exactly what you need.
The Stable Bridge Troll Reality Woman
That nondescript gray building, right between the H&R Block and the Jimmy John’s, that’s us. Here you’ll find everything you need to get your life back in order and realize in a sudden, cold water-on-the-face moment that you’re 35 and should probably not be renting anymore. Here, one of our certified Stable Bridge Troll Reality Women (SBTRW) will take you firmly in her clammy, well-manicured hand and lead you through the tedious, long-term, pleasure-delaying procedures of becoming an adult.
Beginning with our crash-course in How To Maintain A Home, the SBTRW will drag you on a well-planned trip to an Ikea spent having minor disputes over light fixtures punctuated by slight sighs of resignation. Together, you will figure out the most efficient way to organize your studio while she makes needling, motherly remarks about how if you just moved out to the suburbs, this space thing wouldn’t be a problem. After she fills your cart with things you do not find aesthetically pleasing, you will resign to the food court where you will fixate on her crow’s feet as you graze on Swedish meatballs.
With our Standard package comes 20 dinners out to restaurants of her choosing where she casually mentions her desire to have children and eats 60% of your dessert. Our Deluxe package includes constant complaints on the ride home that she shouldn’t have eaten so much as she rhetorically asks you if she is getting fat.
As you progress in the program, the SBTRW will introduce you to her emotionally distant yet incredibly over-involved parents. Her father will slowly show you the ropes of his property development business as he drops subtle hints that your writing career may not be enough to support a family. Her mother will offer you under-salted foods as you help fix her computer and begrudgingly pet her cats. Beginning in mid-February, our Deluxe package holders will be tricked into doing their taxes at the SBTRW family’s dinner table under the assertion that her father was an accounting major. Her father will look disapprovingly at your adjusted gross income as he shows you your mistake on line 5b.
Graduates of our program will enter into a relatively unromantic engagement after several months of vague hint-dropping about you not getting any younger and her grandmother wanting to see a grandchild married. As the SBTRW will remind you, just as much as her grandmother is mortal, so are you. Your delaying of the concept of adulthood will not keep you physically young forever. You can die with a diversified stock portfolio, or you can die with an oddball collection of Soviet propaganda and an expansive knowledge of 70s Italian cinema.
So, if you are ready to dust yourself off and get onto the pathway of your actual life, come on down. Remember, there exist only two kinds of women: fun, adorably unattainable fantasies, and somberly dressed career women with a 10-year plan–and only one of them has full medical and dental.