19 Signs You Are Obsessed With Your Crush
1. Every time someone mentions their name — even if you have no idea what they are talking about — your ears perk up and you immediately tune out whoever you’re listening to to eavesdrop on that conversation.
2. You have, at least once, wrote your name out as it would look if you were married. You were then overwhelmed with shame, and destroyed all evidence.
3. Any time you go out with someone else on a date or to a social event, you can’t stop thinking about how much better it would be if you were there with your crush.
4. Literally everything they do is attractive, and interested, and makes you like them more. They could probably commit first degree murder and you would forgive them after a few minutes of serious reflection.
5. You are constantly tortured with the uncertainty over whether or not they ever think of you, and are pretty certain they are not even aware of your existence.
6. You have saved a few choice photos off of their Facebook for… research purposes.
7. All of your friends roll their eyes and sigh semi-audibly when they hear that you are bringing up your crush yet again.
8. People have begun starting their conversations with you by stating “No, I haven’t seen or spoken to them since we last saw each other,” just to get it out of the way.
9. You have managed to discover their old MySpace and Photobucket from highly-focused search engine creeping.
10. You start to see every couple in TV, movies, or books as being a thinly-veiled representation of the two of you. Everyone from Romeo and Juliet to Noah and Allie to Lady and The Tramp are versions of yourselves.
11. Every song reminds you of them somehow, even songs that have absolutely nothing to do with love or dating.
12. You have said their name aloud during masturbation at least once, likely several dozen times. Okay, several dozen. Ish.
13. People know not to ask you if you’re seeing anyone because the response is only going to be a deep spiral of depression and longing which ends with taking shots of whipped cream out of the can while crying.
14. You alternate between daydreaming about how lovely the world is and how many amazing things could happen to you when you least expect it, and berating yourself over being such a failure in a world that was already ugly and painful to begin with.
15. You spend several hours extra getting ready — possibly even buying new clothes — when you know that there is a chance you might see them tonight.
16. When you end up not seeing them, you contemplate suicide.
17. There is no length you won’t go to to “accidentally” run into them, even taking a route which is nearly an hour out of your way to arrive somewhere at the same time.
18. You can’t focus on work, friends, or remembering to eat regularly.
19. Your friends have begun keeping you away from situations that involve large quantities of alcohol, because they’re tired of dealing with your tearful monologues when you have a little too much to rink.
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Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
I’m about to finish up my sophomore fall of college, and friends from home are getting married and having babies and sufficiently freaking me out.
He was a perfect date. I later got drunk and hacked his phone (who uses their birth year for a password? It was 1986, by the way #teamcougar). What I found was a text to a Kristina explaining his aforementioned sex dream he’d had about her while sleeping next to me in a luxurious hotel bed.