21 Signs You’re The Sad Single Friend
1. People have stopped asking what’s going on in your love life because they already know the answer, and they don’t want to have that conversation again.
2. You have already given online dating a try and found that, despite the overwhelming number of messages you receive, most of them are too creepy and/or degrading to be perceived as flattering.
3. You promptly deleted your account, and don’t intend to re-open it.
4. You pre-stock your refrigerator with nommy stuff to eat on the very likely chance that your date ends up being a dud and you come home early to some reality TV.
5. The only highlight of dates these days is the prospect of free dinner.
6. You avoid romantic comedies like the plague because you don’t want to have to deal with the two main characters having a happy ending (and are prone to cursing at the screen).
7. You look forward to Valentine’s Day only because you know that all of the chocolate will be on half-price the day after and you can stock up on all your favorites on the cheap.
8. When someone compliments you on your looks, you immediately wonder why they’re making fun of you.
9. You are moved to tears by the smallest things, including diaper commercials and flowers that look particularly happy to see you.
10. You get pissed off at random couples in the street and are immediately angry that they’re taking up the same space as you.
11. Your friends feel semi-scared to tell you about their new relationship because they don’t want to make you hate them for “abandoning” them in singledom.
12. You kind of feel like they totally abandoned you.
13. The only real response you can come up with to “Are you dating anyone?” when extended family members ask at gatherings is “Go fuck yourself.”
14. People see you while out and about on a Saturday afternoon in your sweatpants and grodiest shoes getting alcohol and/or Cheetos and you couldn’t care less what they think about it.
15. You are hairier than you’ve ever been, and don’t even care in the slightest.
16. You are constantly browsing pet listings online to see if you can get yourself a new friend to keep you company at home, and are often left in near-tears because you know you can’t actually get one. (“I just want to take you all home and love you…”)
17. You measure the quantity of wine you drink at home alone by the bottleful.
18. You are jealous and resentful if any of your OTPs actually become canon and stop only existing in your head/fanfictions.
19. You read a lot of smutty fanfiction.
20. You have reached the point where you’ve watched so much porn that it’s no longer even stimulating, just vaguely sad.
21. You have started to forget about all of the different things you were once looking for in a significant other, and now are mostly upset by the fact that you don’t have someone to cuddle with when it’s cold and raining outside. You just want to cuddle.
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If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
I’m about to finish up my sophomore fall of college, and friends from home are getting married and having babies and sufficiently freaking me out.
He was a perfect date. I later got drunk and hacked his phone (who uses their birth year for a password? It was 1986, by the way #teamcougar). What I found was a text to a Kristina explaining his aforementioned sex dream he’d had about her while sleeping next to me in a luxurious hotel bed.
Single people love to whine about being single.