1. Guys who pass out directly after orgasm.
No one is saying that this is a marathon. Obviously there are times where you are just going to need to catch a few Zs after you get yours, so to speak, but there is nothing worse than a dude who is just ready to leave your eager, orgasm-less body to wither and die on the other side of the bed while he catches up on his sweaty napping. If he’s not going to do the right thing and learn to hold off a bit on his orgasm, the least he can do is make sure he finishes her off in other ways so that she’s not left to just complain to a girlfriend about it via text message as he snores away next to her.
2. People who refuse to engage in oral sex (yet expect the other person to provide).
There is no law requiring you to perform oral sex. There is no rule stating what is and isn’t required during a private act between two consenting adults. But if you are the kind of person who just takes it completely off the menu from the get-go because, I don’t know, penises are ugly and/or vaginas are scary and cavernous, you can’t expect it back. Foreplay is a give-and-take kind of thing, and it requires of people the ability to do things strictly for the joy of pleasing someone else. Like, no, you are not likely to get any direct stimulation yourself while performing cunnilingus — you’re supposed to get your jollies from the act of giving. If you can’t get down with that, don’t expect your partner to be so selfless, either.
3. Opposing protection.
I don’t know you. I don’t know your life. You are not putting it in, around, or anywhere near me so long as it’s not wrapped up like the last Christmas present under the couch. If that’s not okay, I recommend you stop having sex post haste.
4. Developing feelings against your will.
If someone has worked out the magic formula to just having an awesome fuck buddy for whom you never develop real emotions and with whom things never get complicated or painful, please tell us. You can’t keep that information all to yourself and expect the rest of us normal people to just pick up on it. Because from where I stand, there is a moment somewhere in the post-orgasm spoon where your brain just starts going, “But, come on, you kind of love this person. At least a little bit. Come on.” And that shit is no fun.
5. People who can’t laugh at the funnier aspects of sex.
Sometimes you’re going to make a weird, squishy noise during sex. Someone might slip off. Someone might queef. Anything could happen. And if you’re the kind of person who makes things all weird and awkward and isn’t capable of having a good laugh about the odd-but-natural aspects of the human body, you are making for some seriously lackluster sex. Being able to laugh is what makes everything great (and what makes people comfortable enough to experiment with all the more saucy positions).
6. Obviously fake orgasms.
No one buys your insane, operatic, starts-the-second-you-lay-a-single-finger-on-her orgasms. Every time someone fakes an orgasm — especially an orgasm that seems too good to be true (yet is believed by some naive person who just wants it to be real so badly), you are ruining it for the rest of us gals who refuse to fake it out. Every time a man has looked at her with a mix of earnest disappointment, frustration, and disbelief, asking her, “Why can’t you come? Every other girl did,” it is your fault. Yours.
7. Not taking the time to properly clean oneself.
Sure, there can be the occasional hot, sweaty moment of post-workout love. But that does not mean that every time you hook up, you’re exempt from having to give things a good little scrub. There is a difference between having that natural “people” taste down there and essentially being like a brick of sweaty camembert that wants to be licked. Don’t put that nonsense on anyone, let alone someone who is kind enough to be having sex with you.
8. Moves that were clearly learned from a bad porno.
The jackhammer is not a move. The “just going for the vagina without any kind of warming up or even a little bit of something to lubricate it because women are always in a state of moist readiness” is not a move. The “fast and dry handy with not even a little spit on the palm to get things started” is not a move. None of these are moves. Stop watching porn, and start watching the way your partner’s body moves.
9. Trying to “accidentally” do something during the act.
No one “accidentally” puts it in the butt. No one. Not even you. You’re not magic. Stop trying it.
10. Not listening.
If someone doesn’t like something, stop it. If they look uncomfortable, stop it. If their body tenses up, stop it. Ask them what they want (and actually listen). Because if there’s one thing that will ruin even the best sexual encounter, it’s assuming that you know what works best and barreling forth at full steam despite how the other person’s face is all crinkled up in displeasure. None of us are Gods. We are all capable of making mistakes. In listening, and learning, do we actually become good. And we should all be good.