February 10, 2013

What My OkCupid Profile Would Look Like If I Were Painfully Honest

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Last Online

Online now… Jesus…

Ethnicity

White (like mad white. I don’t tan, I have very dry, horrible skin…)

Height

6′ 0″ (1.83m).

Body Type

Skinny, with a rapidly expanding beer gut.

Diet

Dreadful

Drinks

Daily

Religion

Lapsed Catholic, half-assed Buddhist

Sign

I think I’m a Virgo or something…

Education

Useless English degree

Job

Low-paying, no savings.

Income

Meager.

Offspring

None.

Pets

I hate cats and also dogs. Hate animals.

Speaks

English

My self-summary

I just moved to Brooklyn and I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I’d like to write a novel but have never written anything long and lack discipline/good work ethic. I am likely to die alone, undistinguished and bitterly dissatisfied, dreaming of these present days when I could have altered my fate.

What I’m doing with my life

I work for Thought Catalog. I drink beer every day, usually in the company of friends. I’m very happy to have more friends in New York and yet I feel inexplicably frustrated and dissatisfied on a regular basis, usually when I haven’t achieved orgasm in more than 24 hours. Sometimes, even after masturbating, I still feel terrible.

I’m really good at

Recognizing a problem/source of severe dissatisfaction and doing absolutely nothing to change things.

The first things people usually notice about me

I don’t know, no one tells me what they’re noticing first about me, what the hell kind of question is that? Someone’s going to meet you and then inform you verbally what the first thing they noticed about you is?? What if the first thing they noticed is that you have an asymmetrical, ugly-ass face? I don’t know…

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

Depressing yet funny books. Stylish movies with graphic nudity. Don’t own a TV. Offensive, bass-heavy rap music. I don’t cook, I eat like bodega sandwiches and chips. I should be dead.

The six things I could never do without

I’m positive I’m “doing without” all 6 things I need at this moment, apart from food and water.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

“What am I thinking about right now…?”

On a typical Friday night I am

Drinking.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I don’t know if anyone or anything can ever again make me feel consistently invested in a real-seeming reality with stakes and values and a discernible future about which I can be excited.

I’m looking for

Girls who like guys

Ages 18–27

Near me

For casual sex, long-term dating

You should message me if

You’re a hot, easygoing girl who’s into casual sex with superficially reasonably appealing but ostensibly burned-out loser 27-year-olds. Or if you’re “the woman of my dreams,” and you’d like to fall into a passionate, life-altering romance. TC mark