15 Things That Make All Young Writers Say, ‘OMG I Totally Do That’
By Charis Marsh
1. You’ve comforted yourself about your most embarrassing moments by saying “Hey, at least it’ll be a good story.” Even though you know that time you puked on somebody’s bed at a party has no narrative tension at all.
2. You’ve switched the same story from first to third person or past to present tense (and back) multiple times.
3. You’ve never directly written about your best material, because they are still living and they would definitely kill you. They did not raise you to disrespect them that way.
4. You’ve made out with someone while narrating the process in your mind. It’s more interesting that way.
5. You’re unable to be friends with sane people because they “just don’t give you any material.”
6. You hate the question “What’s your favourite book.” WHAT DAY?
7. The books you tell people are your favourites and the ones that are actually your favourites are rarely the same thing. (What’s up, Harry Potter.)
8. You fantasize about Haruki Murakami becoming your magical godfather. One Sunday you wake up and he’s living in your apartment, playing old Beatles records and petting your cat while giving you love advice.
9. End of semester is doubly stressful because on top of your own work, everyone else is messaging you to edit their essays / assignments. And you can’t say no, because friends don’t let friends submit essays with the wrong “your.”
10. The rest of the semester your friends just treat you like a human dictionary. And that’s okay, because drunk you can totally explain what “didactic” and “metonymy” mean faster than anybody’s phone.
11. You treat people who don’t read like they come from a different country, because they clearly haven’t had the same experiences as you. Actually, you have more in common with people from other countries that read.
12. You’re kind of a douche. All that reflecting on humanity has given you both high standards and a lot of pessimism. It’s not that you don’t like people; it’s just that you see their flaws clearly. Hey, that’s why you think they’re interesting!
13. When your friends say something they think is funny, they always ask: “Are you going to write that down?”
14. You know every café in town and have a favourite to suit every mood.
15. You’re kind of looking forward to getting old, because you’ll have so much more to write about. And the perspective to write about it well!