Clothes I Will Be Wearing On The Flight Home For Thanksgiving In Order To Avoid Checking A Bag
- One pair shoes
- Two pair socks
- Running tights
- Blue jeans
- Nicer pants worn over the top of other pants or on head
- Two undershirts
- One pair underwear
- Green novel-tee: cartoon of cute dinosaur with the epitaph “If I were still alive, I’d eat your fuckin’ face.”
- Two pair underwear inside armpits
- Sweater tied around neck like a keffiyeh
- Belt in pants on head
- Monocle (in case someone throws together a costume party last-minute)
- Second monocle (this is my reading monocle)
- MacBook charger tied in a knot and worn as a necklace
- Running shoes worn as mittens over hands
- List of relatives I can’t talk about politics with, but can talk about the goddamn self-destructing Bears with, tucked into crevice behind knee
- Novelty mustache, so that the person sitting next to me gets creeped out and doesn’t try to start a conversation
- Recipe I want to try, bobby-pinned to second monocle
Inside my Pockets:
- Cell phone
- Fave holiday DVDs: Home Alone, Love Actually, How the Grinch Stole Christmas 2: Revenge of Cindy Lou Who
- iPod queued to “I See a Darkness” and “There Is a Light That Never Goes Out”
- Two pens
- Utility spork (combo spoon-fork)
- Utility fife (combo fork-fife)
- Smallish notebook
- Go lean super crunch — a crunch so super your teeth explode — granola bar
- Folded up newspaper
- Dirty realist literature (bagel receipt)
- Motivational paperback bought in airport: It’s Time to Get It Together, by Healthy-Looking Californian Dude Who Must Have Hella Skeletons in His Closet, MD
- Boarding pass
This allows my carry-on to hold my laptop, holiday socks, and very necessary and miscellaneous Thanksgiving tchotchkes, trinkets, doodads, whoosie-whatsits, electric gismos, whatchamacallits, doohickeys, thingamabobs, and inhaler.
And just like that, I’m homeward bound.
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