1. Show up to the party with a wide selection of alcohol, the majority of which would suck. Netflix has arrived at your place for the fiesta, and it brought three gigantic cases of cheap, awful Natural Light, but only a small six-pack of delicious Heineken. Netflix brought five bottles of the bottom shelf clearance wine, and a single glass of the good stuff. Now, we can’t really complain because quantity wise, this is exceptional, but in regards to quality, we’d rather have a decent amount of delicious beer than a ton of bitter brews.
Why do we pay for Netflix? Not because of Thankskilling or the array of low budget paranormal flicks. Those give us options, but the classic and popular films and shows like Reservoir Dogs or Parks & Recreation or Lost are what we really want more of.
2. Make inaccurate assumptions. Have you ever seen the erroneous suggestions made by Netflix’s ‘Because You Watched’ feature? Well that’d translate to real life when Netflix would say things like, “Oh, you enjoyed the breadsticks at Olive Garden? Well you should try the crunch wrap supreme from Taco Bell.”
3. Leave you in awe by doing amazing things every so often. Netflix helped deliver NEW EPISODES OF Arrested Development to the world — imagine what the human version would do for you? That’s like if someone surprised you with a trip to Italy on a Wednesday or went through the trouble of manufacturing you brand new, exclusive flavors of Starburst.
4. Not invite all of its other really awesome friends to hang out. By this, I mean Friends. Netflix has lots of things, yet we’re still waiting for Rachel, Ross, Phoebe, Chandler, Monica & Joey to be a part of the festivities. Realistically it’s probably not in our productivity’s best interest to have access to 236 episodes of brilliance anyway, but that hasn’t tamed our wildest dreams.
5. Make you feel bad for your bad habits and unproductive routines. Every once in a while, and I mean a long while, Netflix will check in with you to make sure you’re still watching. Maybe it’s meant to be a thoughtful little “Hey, sweetie, just wanted to see how you’re doing,” but I take it as a condescending “Yo, have you seriously been on that couch for the past eight hours?” In real life, Netflix would ask you things like if you ate that ENTIRE box of 100-calorie cookie packs, and as you chomped down the last mouthful of ‘em, you’d shamefully nod your head and continue.
6. Be GREAT with kids. Much like Netflix’s ‘Just For Kids,’ — Netflix the human would have memorized jokes, games and kid friendly material that it would bust out whenever a child was around, preventing you from having to deal with awkward, 8-year-old to adult interaction, and keeping said kid thoroughly entertained for hours.
7. Get you addicted to drugs. Half of the TV shows I’m currently hooked on came from chaotic weekend binging with my bad influence, hoodlum homie Netflix, and that would certainly translate to the human version. Technically speaking, everything I know and love about crystal meth is a result of Netflix, which flaunted Breaking Bad in my face for months before I had no choice but to give it a try. Just one episode, I thought, but before I knew it I was re-watching my favorite scenes on YouTube and blowing off responsibilities for that crystal blue persuasion.
8. Understand all of your obscure pop culture references. Quote as much Chappelle’s Show as you’d like – if nobody else comprehended your remark, Netflix would save the day with a hearty laugh to stave off any awkward silences, or deliver a rebuttal line that makes you two seem like cool, inside joke having besties.
9. Hookup with you. In Netflix you would friend a friend with benefits – not the Timberlake-Kunis movie, although it does stream No Strings Attached, which is essentially the same thing. Anyway, after spending significant amounts of time together and seeing you in your least sexy attire, covered in food stains and comfortably sprawled out, it’d only be right that at some point you and Netflix get to second base, minimum.
10. Hookup with all of your friends. If you possess a Netflix account, chances are there are friends who’ve requested access. The real life version of Netflix would draw interest from your clique as well, and possibly make rounds until several of your amigos & amigas were involved with it. Perhaps you’d even get a little jealous or sick of seeing Netflix and so-and-so canoodling, so you’d tell them to find their own special buddy (AKA spend their own $8 a month), because you changed your mind and want some exclusivity.
11. Tell your friends everything you say, even the embarrassing stuff. On numerous occasions, that godforsaken ‘Recently Watched’ feature has exposed the fact that I have the television and film watching habits of the average 15-year-old girl, and the human version would be no different. Netflix would be the friend who you’re always hesitant to share stuff with, because you know good and well that there’s a high chance your deep, dark secrets will come to light in slightly degrading fashion, courtesy of Netflix’s loose lips.
12. Loudly smack while eating. I don’t know, Netflix just freezes, gets blurry and takes forever to load sometimes if the connection isn’t strong, so smacking with a mouth full of food is like the human equivalent of those annoyances.
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